Aviation Humour - 3

 

A true story about Muhammand Ali. Once he was on an airplane. The flight attendant came and asked him to buckle his seatbelt. He replied, “Superman don't need no seatbelt.” She responded, “Superman don't need no plane.”
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

“What's that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We can't do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!”

Things You Don't Want to Hear on an Airplane:

  • On an ocean crossing flight: “This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices...
  • “Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.”
  • “Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition.”
  • “Goose! Bogey at 2 O'clock ... He's hot on our tail! ... Eject! Eject!”
  • As the plane turns around right after takeoff: “... uhhhhh ... We have to go back. ... We... We... uhhhhhh ...forgot something...”
  • “Ummmmmm ... Sorry everybody ...” (silence)
  • “To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I'm sure you've noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.”
  • “Fasten your seat belts!” (Spoken in the same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.)
  • “This is your Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to... so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn't go to well.”
  • “It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie.”
  • “We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and... Damn!”
  • “Aww, I can't figure out how to turn this thing off and don't worry, that gauge is always on 'E'.”
  • “Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the front cabin.”
  • From the stewardess after placing a drink order: “Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit.”
  • “Hey, why don't you tell that new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.”
  • Thank you very much for choosing Mandarin Airlines. We're now about taking off at Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok. At your right side you can see the beautiful ocean. In front you can watch the in-flight movie. At your left side... um... please don't look at your left!

The passenger aircraft was fully loaded and in the air after takeoff when the announcement came over the loudspeaker: “Ladies and gentlemen, we've been working on a fully automatic piloting system for years that doesn't need a flight crew and are proud to announce that it has been perfected. You are the first passengers to fly controlled by software only with nobody in the cockpit.We are proud that during all our testing there has never been a mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, ...”

The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He
lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it
down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his
aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"

The attendant just looked at the pilot.

"I bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a refuel," said the
pilot.

The attendant replied: "True, most pilots use that airport over there."

Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon."
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."

(Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information hotel is current and mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control)
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.

approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:

Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.

Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Airlines (from David Letterman)

10. We're Amtrak with WIngs

9. Join Our Frequent Near-Miss Program

8. Ask About Out-of-Court Settlements

7. Noisy Engines? We'll Turn 'Em Off!

6. Complimentary Champagne in Free-Fall

5. Enjoy the In-Flight Movie on the Plane Next to You

4. The Kids Will Love Our Inflatable Slides

3. Terrorists Are Afraid to Fly with Us

2. Our Pilots Are Terminally Ill and Have Nothing to Lose

1. We Might Be Landing on Your Street!

Three more:

You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!

Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times