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Free Book Cart Makes Trouble In Commons
 January, 21st. 2003 - The Herm - Today was the first day of exams. Always a special time of year, a huge burden for some, yet others like exams, cause you get out of school a little earlier. The free book cart was a great attraction for those who are in need of books like "Intelligence Can Be Taught." Other great titles3 include "You Can Run Away From It" and "The Handbook of Psi Discoveries." One student, Aaron Stakes who was ravenous for a good book, almost mobbed another student in order to obtain his much needed "Intelligence Can Be Taught" title. Real choas broke loose when Isa Warith, Ryan Pullen, and Daniel Beckwith started hoarding many of the books for themselves. Soon, books of various forms and types were flying across the commons. The administrators then decided that a free book cart placed in the commons during break was not the safest or most efficient way of distributing books that were no longer needed. A librarian rolled the cart of crap books back into the library from wich it was born. Many students kept thier prized books, even though the titles were pure, unfiltered crap.
Banana Underground Trade Ripens
 February, 11th. 2003 - Little do many people know, the Henrico underground illegal banana trade grows stronger each day. Bananas are transported in secret right under our noses just like the smell of chicken. The Chiquita banana company suffers the most from the trade. "Bananas are not a huge cash crop" claims John Henshaw, spokesperson for Chiquita banana company. "We do not want other, non-licensed traders infringing on our small profit. We must pay all of these things (pointing at the graph to the right) while those hooligans can practically get away with murder. We want to crack down on these banana smugglers and restore our proper 17 percent profit!" The banana smugglers use secretive and stealthy tactics to put their ill-earned products in the hands of the public. Bannana Smugglers At Work. You can stop them from earning a huge profit from these bananas by using a number of precautions.
- DO NOT buy any bananas that are labeled as powdered doughnuts.
- DO NOT buy any bananas that are labeled as "Fortified with Calcium"
- DO NOT buy any bananas that resemble your grandmother's cat.
- DO NOT buy any bananas with the Chiquita Banana lady wearing a ski mask.
Attempted Assassination on Jack Frost
February 21st, 2003- Today our friendly snow maker Jack Frost was almost killed by a team of highly trained assassins. Jack Frost, who refused an interview, was having afternoon tea with mother nature in her abode when the attack took them by surprise. A small talking squirrel witnessed the entire incident. "Three ninjas in black cloaks with huge ninja swords wielded in both hands broke through the roof of the tea room and landed with the softness of a rabbit's bum! They charged at Mr. Frost screaming "School Forever!!!" They were swinging their swords and kickin' and punchin' and BOOF! POW! BIFF!" At this point, the rodent had become quite crazy and had to be tranquilized in order to prevent him from reenacting the entire battle. There is a small list of suspects and the motive of the attack is still uncertain. It is hard to determine who would want to kill the well liked winter icon of frosty fun, but the Virginia School Board is our first suspect. This group is certainly capable of hiring the assassins and the motive is obvious. They wanted to kill Jack Frost in order to prevent any more snow days. An investigation is underway to prove that the School Board is in fact responsible.
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