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News
Captain Planet Fined for Littering
 04.22.03 - Captain Planet, everyone’s favorite semi-superhero was fined the 30$ for littering today along Interstate 26. He was allegedly on his way to his father’s house in Townsville when an anonymous police officer spotted him throw the wrapper from his chocolate covered chestnuts. Captain Planet promptly pulled over once he realized he was caught. Reportedly, he was sobbing like a “small child who had rubbed poison ivy in his eyes”. Captain Planet was very sorry for his misdeed he committed and asked the police officer to keep their incident secret. He continued on the road to Professor Utonium’s home to fill up on Chemical X. Environmentalists are very distressed over the current predicament. Captain Planet is probably the most popular environmentalist ever to live. He represents every environmentalist across the world. Over the years he has taught the masses about water consumption, deforestation, air pollution, radiation damage and even noise pollution. He and his planeteers have been pioneers of world health. With his extremely catchy theme song and striking good looks, (as well as his mediocre semi-super powers), Captain Planet has reached millions of children and overwieght-middle-aged-couch potatoes over the years. Who wouldn’t listen to a blue man with green hair, huge muscles in a tight bright red body suit telling you turn off the lights when you exit a room to conserve energy? “Its soo sad that he is a hypocrite though” remarked one of Captain Planet’s millions of fans.
Apple to Release New Video Game Consle
 04.09.03 - Today, the Macintosh computer company anounced that it will be entering a new video game consle into the market. This next generation video game entertainment system is slated for a 2005 release. It is planned to be more powerful than any other competing consles. It will feature a Radeon R-17 Ty video card with 445 MEGs of RAM. An advertisment campaign unparreled to any other system is planned for the debut of the new project codenamed “AppleTree.” The excutives at Apple are mainly silent about the release of the system and its specific specs. We do know that the focus of Apple’s stratgey will be to “deliver quality, reliable and fun gaming for everyone.” The company plans to upset the Playstation 3’s release by debuting three months earlier. “We know there will be a share of the gaming population between Xbox 2, the new Nintendo system and Playstation 3 for faithful Apple fans.” states the public relations officer for Apple. “Every third party game will be able to be enjoyed on the new system,” said the PR officer after that. “Unlike our computer games [editor’s note: of which there are only two] and computers [which are crap], compatiblity and quality will not be a problem.”
Hanson Planning To Retake the Pop Throne
 03.12.03 - Popular boy band Hanson has just announced that sometime in 2003, they will be releasing a comeback album to the masses of thier loyal fans that never abandoned them for the crap that they are, all three of them will be able to buy the new soundtrack very soon. Who could forget those wondeful teenage angels that delievered devine hits like "Mmm, Bop" and uhh.... well I forgot what else they did... That dosen't matter, what matters is that Hanson is back in a big way. They will storm the music industry with more pop hits some time soon and I can't wait.
Update: The Loser team has recently recieved the prerelease Hanson album titled "WeHate You and Die." Putting the CD into a music playing device results in ear ravenging hard-core heavy metal nastiness. The album is filled with the incessant demonic chanting and screaming of the three Hanson boys aimed at everything. Tracks titled "DIE DIE DIE" and "KILL KILL KILL" are exceptionaly disturbing. In scientific trials, the only living things that will live longer than three days after listening to the album in full are cockroaches, rocks, and headless dogs. With this musical monstrosity, the Hanson boys are clearly trying to smite the entire world that forgot about them.
Mrs Frizzle Caught Wit Da Hizzle
 03.10.03 Today, Mrs.Frizzle, The popular science teacher and driver of the Magic School Bus was charged with the possesion of illegal substances. "Mrs. Frizzle was had an amazing stash of weed, man" said police inspector Jeff Sanchez. The police confiscated almost fifty pounds of marijuana. "Most of us knew Frizzle was always janked out the hizzle, dawg," one of the felon's former students told our reporter. "She was always havin' visions of crazy science crap with giant bugs and goin' into some sick dudes body to fight bacteria or some jank. Dat crazy lady put all dat skizzle in her sho' fo' hizzle." "She was ratted out by some loser" Sanchez later told the Loser News. Most people believe that the Magic School Bus itself is responsable for Mrs. Frizzle's aprehension. The Bus told the press "Beep Beep. Honk Honk Honk. Beep." The trial is set for 2004.
Sword-Buying Teenager Severely Depressed
03.08.03
Today, Justin Turner recieved his full-length and fully functional longsword ordered from Swords Online . His mother remarked, "Justin was extremely excited when his 600 dollar sword finaly arrived after all those weeks of waiting. He was so happy that he preceded to swing the sword around in circles with eccentric estacy, but after a month or two, the happiness the sword brought in its cardboard box began to wear off and he went into a servere depression. No one could tell us why he was so sad." Justin's problem was caused by the fact that swords were no longer needed as they were in the middle ages. "Justin was depressed just because he couldn't kill anybody"
his mother told our reporter. It was known that Justin was an avidid RPG player and thouroughly enjoyed the Lord of the Rings, therefore, his only dream was to be a valiant hero, conquering and killing for justice. "It's too bad he will never be able to live his dream..." his mother remorsed.
Update: It has been reported that Justin Turner has commited suicide. Why, you ask? King Authur was said to have made a special appearence in Justin's room to talk him out of killing himself with his longsword. King Authur appeared as a mystical appearation in full armor to give this message to Justin:
"Drop Thy Longsworde Justin! Thou Time Has Not Cometh. Thou Mustn't Take Thy Life! Do Not Dismay! Swords Art Tools Of Destruction! Not Symbols Of Devine Power And Glory. Thy World Is Blessed Without Swordes!"
Justin responded with "We have nukes, anthrax, and machine guns you dolt!"
Authur said "Oh no you did not Girrrrlfrieeend! You can't go dissin me like dat, foo! Now Youse Just Listen to me! I didn't travel a mellinium in the futur to get yo abuse, dawg! Go a head an kill yo' self wankster!
Authur dissaperated quickly and soon after, Justin killed himself.
NEXT (OLDER)
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