|
| ´´ | |
Reviews
This is the portion of the site where we review things. If there's anything you want me to review then email me at qwerter4@aol.com
The rating system is so:
 = Buy Me Now!
= Worthy of Any Loser's Money
= Passing the LSTs (Loser Standardized Tests)
= Wouldn't Use it To Wipe My Bottom
= The Crap That Everyone Should Burn
The Lizzie McGuire Movie
By Milly
Lizzie is going to Rome, how exciting. While she is there she is mistaken half of an Italian superstar group, Palo and Isabella. Too bad HIllary Duff, who plays Lizzie, also plays Isabella, so the whole mistaken identity part is crap. In reality Palo is just trying to destroy Isabella’s career, so he enlists the help of Lizzie, she doesn’t know that though. While this is going on, Gordo, Lizzie’s best friend, is trying to get Lizzie to notice him. Kate, who is usually the villain on the t.v. show, becomes Lizzie’s friend during the movie. And the wonderful Ethan Craft is there just to have little comic relief. The three characters that don’t show up in the movie are: Miranda, Lanny, and Tudgeman. Miranda, Lizzie’s other best friend, isn’t there because she “went to Mexico City for vacation with her family,” everybody knows that it just means she was fired from the show.
Lanny, Mat’s (Lizzie’s bro) best friend that doesn’t talk, doesn’t have a reason for not being there. Tudgeman is in the same situation as Lanny, nobody knows why he isn’t there. Overall the movie gets 5 stars. It looses three stars because the plot sucked, there was no Tudgeman, the music was horrible, and it was really stupid. Not like you were planning to see it anyway, right?
Hot Hot Heat- Make Up the Break Down
By Trish
If you’re looking for a classic album, this is not it. But if you’re just looking for a nice fun album to dance around like an idiot and sing along too, this is it. Trendy music, that’s what this is. It isn’t bad, but its nothing with much if any longevity. Possibly the best song on the album, “Bandages”, is also the first single. (Not only is this a good song but it has a interesting video as well). The singer’s voice isn’t trying to be melodic, rather, it’s a little jumpy and shaky. A vocal seizure, if you will. It’s unique. Clever lyrics. Not anything strikingly inspirational or philosophical, but entertaining. I also really dig the organ/synth sounds they use. Sometimes keyboards in rock songs start to sound a little unnecessary and superfluous, as if they keyboardist is just playing so that they have something to do. Fortunately, this doesn’t occur in Hot Hot Heat’s music. The keyboards actually fit into the songs, and its not like they’re just playing little catchy melodies here and there. They actually add substance to the songs. the guitar and keys compliment each other nicely, with the keys actually overpowering the guitar at some points. The keyboards, in my opinion, are Hot Hot Heat’s main strong point, especially in the song “Get In or Get Out”, which features a nicely done keyboard solo. I’m not talking a wimpy little 5 second piano interlude, but a full-blown, AUTHENTIC keyboard solo. Reminds me of The Doors and 60’s rock/pop keyboard solos. They take actual TALENT to play. he keyboards are really what makes Hot Hot Heat stand out. The sixth track, “Aveda”, is, in my opinion, the best song named after a brand of shampoo since “Who’s Got the Herb” by 311. (Yeah, I know that song’s not about shampoo, but it reminds me of Herbal Essences, OK?) Other than in this song the vocals are relatively monotone, but on the other hand, overly melodic, more “talented” sounding vocals just wouldn’t fit in with the songs. And you can actually understand, for the most part, what they lyrics ARE. Maybe you don’t understand what he means by them, but at least you know what the heck he’s saying. The last song, “In Cairo”, is the album’s “soft reflective piano” song. The softest song on the record, yet still sounds heavy. Again, a very nice melody. It finishes the album off nicely. All in all, Make Up the Breakdown by Hot Hot Heat is pretty good. The only downside is, like I said, it’s a little too trendy. Once it stops being “cool”, I doubt anyone would still want to make this type of music. This is a shame, I think. We all need a little fluffy pop-rock in our lives. I WOULD give it four out of five smilies, but I think I’ll deduct one for trendiness.
Ben Kweller- Sha Sha
By Trish
This, Bens second solo record and first for ATO (Kweller was in the band radish a few years back), is, all in all, a pretty good album. The first song on the record, “How it Should Be (Sha Sha)” begins with a nice and quirky piano riff. Ben sings about astronauts and planet of the apes. The second track, “Wasted and Ready”, youve probably heard on the radio. Or you probably haven't. They dont play it very much. Thats my complaint with todays rock radio. They refuse to play anything good, while they overplay all the crap that i’m sure no one really wants to listen to. im talking about your linkin parks, your limp bizkits, your salivas, etc. Does anyone really like this junk? Anyway, the song starts out mellow and soft, with a french horn. Wait a sec, a french horn? This is the quintessential “sing along in the car” kind of song. You cant resist singing along with the chorus. This song is so good that you don’t really care if the lyrics dont make much sense. (She is a slut but X thinks it’s sexy/ sex reminds her of eating spaghetti/ I am wasted but i’m ready). What I really like about this record is that its not overproduced, which you tend to see a lot of in todays music. You can even hear the buzz of the amps in the background. The problem with much of todays music is that it sounds like its trying too hard to be perfect. Who wants to listen to something perfect? Ben seems to understand this. Or maybe he just ran out of production money.Whatever. I love how Bens voice is so nice and mellow, not all “in your face”, ya know? It’s strong without being forceful. The next song, “Family Tree” a lovely little rock-country ditty that isnt as loud as “Wasted And Ready” but is just as energetic. Ben is contemplative about himself without sounding narcissistic. The second single fro Sha Sha, “Commerce, TX” is nice and quirky, just like the rest of Bens stuff. I like how Ben doesn’t seem to be trying to “be” anything, just writing and singing what he feels. On the subject of writing, Bens is superb. These are quite possibly some of the best lyrics from a modern artist that I’ve heard in a long time. Overall, this record is fantastic. From buzzing amps to borderline-classical piano on “In Other Words”, this album flows together without being repetitive. The songs, however, (except for “Wasted and Ready”) dont do a good job of standing on their own. Taken out of context of the rest of the album, they’re a bit boring.
Romeo and Juliet: The Movie
By George The Geomancer
When I first heard we were going to be watching Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo DiCaprio in Humanities class, I was excited. I figured that the updated, modern version would be vastly superior to the dry, confusing text of the original. What I found instead was one of the worst films ever made, one so bad that if Shakespeare were alive to see it, he would probably shoot everyone involved with the production before turning the gun on himself.
The intro to Romeo and Juliet offers us background information about the setting (to make it more modern, they have changed the name of the city to Verona Beach, how clever) and tells us the eventual outcome of the film through a news broadcast. The movie then switches into high gear, taking us on a roller coaster ride of images of helicopters and skyscrapers, each one never lasting more than a half a second. To complement this, we get dramatic close ups of each character's face with a little caption telling us who they are.
When all of this is finished, we are treated to a terribly directed and terribly acted fight scene at a gas station. During this time, we get a multitude of unnecessary shots of the characters clothing and shoes, followed by another helicopter and a big explosion.
By the time this scene is over, the tone of the movie is pretty much set. The majority of the shots are blurry and poorly lit, and when the characters arent shouting their lines to the point where the words become unintelligible, the directors decide to press the fast forward button, causing all of the actors to move at super quick speeds.
Never in my life have I seen a film that lacks so much direction. The movie is either painfully slow or moving so fast that you may want to be sure you dont have epilepsy before you watch it. If they had simply stuck to one style of pacing, the film may have improved, if only slightly.
And the acting. Oh, dear lord, the acting! This movie sounds like a gang of middle schoolers, not even, elementary schoolers, decided to put on a production of Romeo and Juliet. The actors are either overacting or under acting, and either way the results are disastrous. One of the best examples is when Mercutio is mortally wounded. The way he makes his delivery, you might think hes reading his lines off a teleprompter.
The films attempts to update and modernize the original create an effect that is horribly misguided and confusing. While certain elements do seem more contemporary, there are others that leave us wondering exactly what time period the visual directors had in mind when they created the sets for this movie. Other updates, like Mercutio dressing in drag or Romeo and Juliet falling into a pool in place of the balcony scene, are either disturbing or distracting, and totally unnecessary.
The only reason you may want to see this movie is if you are a fan of Leonardo DiCaprio. Unlike Titanic, this movie provides plenty of opportunities for you to see him without his shirt on. And even when he is fully clothed, his shirt is never buttoned and many clever plot devices (such as, once again, a helicopter), are utilized to make it blow open.
Lets see, what else about this film didn' I like. Oh yes, the makeup is *thinking of a synonym for terrible*, um, horrendous. You would think the cameramen would try to hide this fact as best they could, but no, they make it glaringly obvious by constantly giving us disgusting close-ups of peoples bloody, blemish covered faces. And none of this blood is done well. Instead, the peoples faces look more like the remnants of a halloween mask when you pull it out of the attic a year later.
Youd think that it would be difficult for me to come up with more stuff I didnt like about this movie, but it? not. Ill move on to the music. Instead of trying to save the movie by diverting our attention from the poor acting and shoddy visuals, it plagues us with songs that will make you want to puncture your eardrums with a needle. The majority of the film? tracks are poorly done and totally unnecessary remixes of songs from twenty years ago (When Doves Cry is the title track, if thats any indication to the quality and originality of the music). Not only are the songs bad, they couldnt seem more out of place in this film. And when we see the artists performing some of the songs in certain parts, they move their mouths in a shaky manner as if to suggest they are actually singing rather than lip syncing. Many people have challenged me on this topic, but just look at the people they expect you to believe are the singers, and notice how their timing when they mouth the words is just a little off with the music that was obviously added in editing. These supposedly live versions of the music are the only things in this movie, audio or otherwise, that are clear in this movie, leading me to believe that they were probably not performed during the actual filming.
This movie is terrible on every single level. It is a metaphorical bitch slap not only to its viewers intelligence, but also to anyone who has ever appreciated Shakespeares story as more than just an opportunity to look at Leonardo Dicaprios chest and abs. I fail to understand how any major studio ever allowed this film to pass the preproduction stages of development. Its attempts to appear as a legitimate work of art, a viable rendition of Romeo and Juliet, or even a serious film, are laughably pathetic. I think that when I am on my deathbed however long from now, I will beg and plead with God to give me back the two hours of my life I spent watching this mess. Anyone who has ever considered watching this movie, for whatever reason at all, would do best to go to the store, rent all the copies of it, then burn them in a giant bonfire, so that no unsuspecting fool will ever fall victim to watching it again. For my final score, I will give it zero smilies, not only because that is what it deserves, but also because I am afraid that by including the prestigious symbol anywhere within the text of this document, I might accidentally give the impression that it has some redeeming qualities to a person who might by skimming over this page. Youve been warned; stay away from this movie like it was the plague, or forever carry the feeling that you have wasted a part of your that youll never be able to get back.
Taboo: The Sixth Sense
By Qwerter
I went on my computer yesterday afternoon, and out of pure boredom I decided to open up my old NES emulator. Loser Info: (An emulator is a computer program that simulates old video games that were originaly not on the computer. NES stands for Nintendo Entertainment System. It was one of the first video game consles). My eye happen to catch the title of a ROM (a game) that I had never rembered playing after I had downloaded a set of games. I decided to give it a try and soon this title screen came up:
This was slightly disturbing, but I decided to press on into the unkown. Pressing the start key brings you to a screen with a floating hand holding a feather pen under the words "Enter Your Name" written in spooky script. I used the little keyboard at the bottom to punch in letters and I watched as the detached limb
wrote my name in the same script. Then I filled out my birthday and gender in the same manner. After that, the hand returned with another piece of parchment that read: "Your Question" I typed in: Who made this crap"
Now I was thinking the game would start, and I would go on a magical quest to answer my question. What happened next was something totaly unexpected; the game ended. The cards started to shuffle themselves while a physcidelic background flashed comma inducing neon lights in my face.
Why the need for this excessive card shuffle? Because there is no game after this point as I stated earlier. The interactivity that a game provides to entertain people disappeared. I was not in control of the game. Instead of having interactive entertainment, I was forced to sit and watch many stupid cards flip themselves over. These cards were not tarot cards at all, I don't think. Instead they were based on a fifty-two card deck, replacing clubs, spades, hearts, and diamonds with various whimsical symbols. The first card flipped over was revealed to be:
The Five of Cups (......Cups???) reads: The outcome all previous mentioned problems will be a shallow frendship or loveless marriage. Ok, if that makes sense to you, please kill yourself. What previous mentioned problems?? That's not even correct English! There's more, check out card number two:
This is what I first said: "Finally, my luck has changed! Hurray! I got the King of Knights! My immediate influence is having many thoughts, ideas and designs!! WHOO!! wait..... what the heck does that mean?!? ARGG! This game sucks anus!!!!" But wait! The crapiness doesn't end there! Its time for Fortune Numbers!!! Just input your state and some other numbers and you get some more numbers!!! WHOOO!!! Take a look:
When it first came out it was crap, and today has aged like wine into the purest, finest crap you can find! How many smillies do you think it deserves?
Taboo Instruction Manual
The White Stripes- Elephant
By Trish
That? right folks, The White Stripes have returned yet again, and they bring with them a brand new album chock full of ?arage rock?goodness. Elephant, is, in my opinion, even better than the ?tripes previous album, White Blood Cells, which spawned hits such as ?otel Yorba?and ?ell in Love with a Girl.?Elephant opens up with the first single on the record, ?even Nation Army? This track includes something that isn? heard much from The White Stripes: a bass (well, actually a guitar tuned to sound like a bass). The song, just like the rest of The White Stripes?repertoire, is nice and simple, not too complex. Now, some people like complex music, but sometimes you just want something plain and simple, something honest that doesn? require much thought and you can just bob your head along to. This, my friends, is what The White Stripes do best. People describe The White Stripes as ?arage rock? which is correct, but one must be cautious about throwing that label around because it is so poorly defined. For example, people classify The Vines as garage rock, when really, all they are is crap. But I digress. The White Stripes are more of a mix of things. They have the energy and the mentality of punk, the emotion of blues, and the passion of classic rock artists. Besides the bass on Seven Nation Army, another difference between Elephant and White Blood Cells is the appearance of [drummer] Meg White? voice. Although it appears on only one track (?old Cold Night?, and although her voice is somewhat weak and distant, it fits the song perfectly and makes it? statement nicely. Elephant, overall, just rocks. That? all I really need to say. It flows perfectly and leaves the listener with little to be wanted. The album even ends happily with ?e Really Do Love Each Other?. The song features vocals from a woman named Holly, who, well, we really don? know much about. It? good to end an album on a good note. The purpose of music is to communicate a feeling, to leave the audience at the end with an emotion. Oftentimes, however, modern music... just ... ends. It doesn? leave the listener anything to go away with, anything to take away from the listening to the album . The White Stripes, however, seem to have this perfected.
Older Reviews
| | |  |
