Smegmeister’s Portal is proud to present the first in a series of exclusive transcripts from forthcoming television programmes. We start with BBC2’s latest nostalgia show, due to be screened later this year. Contractual agreements mean that we can only bring you a short extract of the finished programme, which will be an hour in length when it is shown in the summer.

MUSIC: Knowing Me Knowing You by Abba

STUART MACONIE

It were about 1999, I think. Summat like that. No need for accuracy in a show like this.

VERNON KAYE

Oh yeah, I Heart The Seventies! Great! Yeah! Great!

STUART MACONIE

And it were just a load of blokes sitting in front of a camera talking about old things. I mean, what were that all about?

CLIP: Stuart Maconie sitting in front of a camera talking about Grease.

CHRIS MOYLES

Now that annoyed me. I just thought ‘Why?’ It made me want to maim them all.

RANDOM CHILDRENS TV PRESENTER

Oh yeah, The 100 Greatest. I remember that. [PAUSE] What? Oh. Top Ten. I remember that. [PAUSE] Well what then? [PAUSE] Oh yeah, I Heart The Seventies. I remember that.

ARABELLA WEIR

Looking back at it now, it was really sexist. The only parts for women were for comedy actresses who hadn’t worked for a while, and editors of Smash Hits.

MEERA SYAL

A lot of the show was extremely racist. I don’t know how it ever got on the air. And of course, that was what was repeated to me in the playground the next day.

CLIP: Something not at all racist.

JOHNNY VEGAS

I used to watch it in the pub in St. Helens when I was a potter. And I just didn’t understand what was going on, cause I used to be a potter in St. Helens. Oh, and I once trained to be a priest. Did I mention I was a potter in St. Helens? And look at me now!

STUART MACONIE

And after that, they did I Heart The Eighties and I Heart The Nineties. That was the best one ‘cause it made people remember stuff like Vic and Bob, Sunny Delight, Oasis and Posh Spice. I mean, you just don’t hear from them these days.

PAUL MORLEY

What? Of course I remember it. It was only a couple of bloody years ago. And besides, you sent me the tape of it last week. You said ‘Watch the tape, come in to the studio, talk bollocks, and we’ll give you a hundred quid.’

JOHNNY VEGAS

Best thing was I got a hundred quid for it. Spent it on some new clay.

CHRIS MOYLES

Course, at the end of the day, it was all about the hundred quid.

VERNON KAYE

Hundred Quid! Great! Yeah! Great!

CLIP: Stuart Maconie handing everyone their hundred quid, and then pocketing the change.

STUART MACONIE

I made a mint. And I managed to fill up ten weeks of Saturday night schedules, simply by doing bugger all work. Now that’s a good show.

ATTRACTIVE FOREIGN MODEL

So that was, I Heart The Seventies. Hope you enjoyed it. There now follows a repeat of something totally unrelated to the programme. Good night. Hey Stuart, where’s my fee?

The Forsythe Saga

Page added… 11 May 2002.