HAVE I GOT SCREWS FOR YOU!
Terrible headline, I know. Welcome to the very first page of Smegmeister's Portal to be completely free of irony, sarcasm and satire. This is just a simple transcript of extracts from the edition of Have I Got News For You, broadcast on Friday 24th May 2002. As you are probably all aware, this was the edition immediately after the revelations that host Angus Deayton was involved in a cocaine-fuelled romp with a prostitute in a Manchester hotel room. Understandably, there was much hype surrounding the episode, but I feel that it managed to live up to expectations, and so it deserves to be immortalized here as a piece of classic television. So without further rambling, I present ALL the references to Angus’ antics from the show. The guests are Ken Livingston and Dave Gorman.
DEAYTON
Hello and welcome to Have I Got News For You, where this week’s loser is presenting it. HUGE APPLAUSE DEAYTON Yes, the words ‘pot’, ‘kettle’ and ‘smug git in for a long overdue kicking’ spring to mind. HISLOP I think this is the thing about party funding. MERTON This has been one story of the week, isn’t it, but the one I’m really interested in Angus is… HUGE APPLAUSE MERTON Now, you and this prostitute; how did you manage to get off paying her? DEAYTON She didn’t tell me that she was a prostitute. MERTON She didn’t tell you? HISLOP But you must of paid her for the article. I mean, I don’t want to dwell on this, but… [He produces a copy of the News of the World from beneath his desk] HISLOP “He made me groan all night”! What were you doing – reading the auto-cue? “Angus is the best lover I’ve ever had”, and you didn’t pay her? This is just unbelievable! “We could have kept going ‘til breakfast”! What were you doing – talking about football? MERTON I suppose you didn’t know where to put you face really, once you’d read the story. Or did you just take it on the chin? HISLOP There was an awful lot of detail, wasn’t there? MERTON Yes, yes, remind me about some of it. DEAYTON There is, by the way, no need to adjust your set. My face is this red. HISLOP “He always found time to talk, even when he was in the studio filming his show.” Want to make any calls? DEAYTON I think that’s the most libellous bit of the lot, I think. HISLOP Yeah. GORMAN Oh, hang on, hang on. [Points to the paper and to Angus.] That’s him! HISLOP I wonder if she was wired. Was she wired? MERTON I don’t think she was the only one that was wired. HUGE APPLAUSE HISLOP Is there an agency called ‘Slappers R Us’? You just sort of ring them up? [He starts to put the paper away] DEAYTON Is that it, or do you want to… ‘Cause there was another question that I asked. HISLOP [Turns to the middle of the paper] Oh look, there’s a world war breaking out in India! DEAYTON [To Livingston] You did describe yourself as a model of New Labour conformity. LIVINGSTON Really? Oh, what was I on at the time? MERTON Angus can sort you out. RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE MERTON I want to see the £20 note, because there’s no way you’ve spent it in the past week. DEAYTON I didn’t bring it with me unfortunately. Sorry. HISLOP It’s a lovely image that, isn’t it? [Mimes snorting coke] DEAYTON Shall I quit while I’m down? This is Labour’s new ethics committee. It isn’t really; we were talking about a completely different story. DEAYTON The Times recently printed a full list of Mr. Desmond’s publications, which include: “Big Girls, Mega Boobs, Big Ones International and The Very Best of Whoppers.” Which is also published under the title ‘Steven Byers’ Autobiography.’ MERTON Or it could be a list that you have for room service. HISLOP He used to do it on one leg for bits of it. MERTON Have you ever done it on one leg for bits of it? DEAYTON No… LIVINGSTONE That stuff just gets made up. HISLOP Stuff you read in the newspapers Angus! DEAYTON Right, now I believe you. DEAYTON You spent £103 on a taxi for Helen Mirren. LIVINGSTON Well, that was just a mistake. MERTON Do you know what a mistake is Angus? DEAYTON This is Lord Birt’s proposed system of new toll roads. The scheme… [Merton produces his copy of the News of the World.] HUGE APPLAUSE MERTON Keep going. DEAYTON Alright. The scheme involves drivers being charged a fee for using motorways. MERTON It says here that you played ‘Gangsta Rap’ on the stereo. What’s Gangsta Rap? DEAYTON No idea. Ian, what’s Gangsta Rap? HISLOP Do you know, that was one of the few terms in the article that I didn’t understand. DEAYTON Dave, you’re young. What’s Gangsta Rap? GORMAN I haven’t got the faintest idea. DEAYTON We haven’t got the faintest idea. GORMAN But I didn’t put it on my stereo, and you did. DEAYTON Oh well. There we are. [Merton puts paper back under his desk] MERTON Just cause it’s gone down there doesn’t mean it’s going away. DEAYTON I look forward to its re-emergence. The scheme involves drivers being charged a fee for using motorways, with the exception of the M25, where it will be pay and display. MERTON Really? You didn’t do the ‘pay’ bit, did you? DEAYTON The idea… MERTON I’m surprised you had the nerve to turn up this week, really. You knew it was going to be like this. DEAYTON Well I did yes. Because of you two. MERTON Yes, in a way it’s our fault, isn’t it? HUGE APPLAUSE HISLOP I certainly felt to blame personally, didn’t you? DEAYTON Yes. Sorry, sorry. HISLOP Thank goodness I took a line of coke before I came on. SURPRISED LAUGHTER DEAYTON This idea, the idea we were talking about, will mean yet more work for Transport Secretary… MERTON You don’t think any of this stuff is going to be used do you? Nobody gives a damn about Steven Byers this week. Transport Secretary, blah blah blah, nobody cares. DEAYTON Well, I’m learning that slowly. LIVINGSTON This must be one of those days where Steven Byers could have leaked some more news! HUGE APPLAUSE LIVINGSTON We’ll most likely wake up next week and find he’s sold something else off. DEAYTON What are some of the other genetic… MERTON None of this is going to be used! I dunno, what are the other things that are genetically… just move on. Quickly. DEAYTON Genetically modified animals this week… MERTON A giraffe with no neck, a horse that can speak and a horse that plays the mouth organ. Move on, move on. Next! Chickens with no clothes, move on! Nuclear war was threatened this week. DEAYTON Yes, you read about that then? MERTON I couldn’t find it in the papers! HUGE APPLAUSE ONCE AGAIN DEAYTON Why does that not surprise me? This is the development of the world’s fist feather-less chicken. MERTON Yeah, we just said all that. DEAYTON According to the Daily Mail on Tuesday: “Scientists have also developed a piglet with a fluorescent snout and organs suitable for human use.” Apparantly, it’s working behind the bar at the Queen Vic. At the end of that round… MERTON Will she be safe from you? GORMAN Do you watch Eastenders? DEAYTON Oh yes. GORMAN It’s terrible at the moment. Ian Beale slept with a prostitute who’s threatening to blackmail him for money. ANOTHER HUGE APPLAUSE GORMAN It’s just not as life-like as it used to be. Never happen in real life. DEAYTON True. MERTON It’s one of those stories basically, about what the average man gets up to in his uneventful life. GORMAN It also says that the average man has sex twice a week, which with people like you around means there’s a lot of people getting nothing. HISLOP What did that tell you? LIVINGSTON Not to believe the crap I read in the papers. HISLOP In all cases, or…. DEAYTON Pretty much, I think, yep. MERTON Oh, so it’s not true, any of this? DEAYTON The basic traits are… MERTON Is that what you’re saying, it’s not true, is that what you’re saying? DEAYTON ‘Abuh-buh-buh-buh-buh’? MERTON It’s not true, is that what you’re saying? DEAYTON Elements are true, elements are untrue. MERTON There was an elephant in there? Where do you get the stamina from? So which bits are untrue then? DEAYTON The elephants actually, I was making it up. HISLOP I wanted the question about the Roman transvestite this week. MERTON Oh yes. HISLOP Did anyone read that? It was just under all the stories about Angus. It was rather good. MERTON Remind me. HISLOP They found the remains of a Roman transvestite who lived happily in England. He belonged to the cult of this woman called Sybille, and all her followers used to go out into the streets and if they’d been unfaithful they would cut off their own testicles as a symbol of repentance. DEAYTON Well… LAUGH DEAYTON Thank God we live in enlightened times. MERTON Has anybody got a pair of nail scissors? DEAYTON When it comes to sex, the average man lasts 3 minutes and one second, the one second presumably being the foreplay. HISLOP Or the Gangsta Rap! DEAYTON And the average man is most likely to have a heart attack on a Monday, especially if he’s just seen the tabloids. DEAYTON Do you deny that you are a pigeon hater? MERTON There are worse things. GORMAN Jerry Springer slept with a prostitute – but he did pay her – but he paid by cheque, and so was found out. DEAYTON Jerry Springer’s show thrives on sordid revelations and confessions about personal misdemeanours, okay that’s enough about that one… DEAYTON “Young, free, single and ____”? GORMAN ‘Ready’, lies host of topical news quiz. DEAYTON “Remote chance of ____ for women”? Help yourself… HISLOP Is that what you said… MERTON You’ve said that before, haven’t you?
DEAYTON Is the wrong answer. MERTON They’re available in cream as well. DEAYTON Are they? Excellent. Controlling TV viewing is the answer. MERTON Oh, is it really? DEAYTON Yes. It’s men who hold on to the remote control in households according to scientists. MERTON Oh, really? DEAYTON Yes. That was the answer to the question. MERTON Was it? DEAYTON Yes. According to a neuro-psychologist in Maudsely Hospital… MERTON You can’t look me it the eye now can you? DEAYTON No. Well, I can look you in the eye, that’s all right. The only answer is to hide it, apparently. MERTON Really? DEAYTON Yes. A neuro-psychologist said that. MERTON Did he? DEAYTON “I ____ last week, why did I bother?” MERTON Booked a hotel room? APPLAUSE MERTON Got me Barclaycard dirty? [He mimes making lines of coke] HISLOP Hired a PR man? MERTON Yeah, you must be paying him a fortune! HISLOP Thank goodness he’s kept you out the press! DEAYTON “____ - a rich source of vitamins”? PRE-EMPTIVE APPLAUSE MERTON It’s just too easy. HISLOP It’s very good, “The Frogs.” DEAYTON Is it? Tell us about it. No. Haven’t got time. HISLOP Alright, I’ll tell you another story I know quite well! [Redeems paper] MERTON He’s got a copy of my t-shirt over there! |
Coincidentally, the final score was 7-7. This is the first time in the show’s history that a tie-break was not used, although to be fair Angus probably wanted to get the hell out of there as soon as possible.
The strangest thing about the show was the look on Angus’ face whenever Dave Gorman joined in the festivities. He just seemed to ignore Dave’s jokes and treat him with contempt, as if to say ‘These two are my mates, so they can take the piss, but you can’t.’
In case you’re wondering why it took me so long to put this up, I was waiting to see if the piss taking would continue in the next episode. If it did, I wouldn’t have posted this transcript, because the jokes would soon get boring and repetitive. Thankfully, it was business as usual, which meant that Angusgate was a one-off, and as soon should be preserved as a classic piece of television.
This is not the first time a HIGNFY transcript has appeared on the Internet. SOTCAA wrote their own supposed transcript, which alleged to be out-takes from the episode featuring Jimmy Saville, whereby Paul Merton accused Saville of being a paedophile with a spotty cock. This was of course bollocks. Nevertheless, I am prepared to host a link to the article here.
Page added… 06 June 2002.