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I used to be a farmer and I made a living fine. I had a little stretch of land alongthe C.P. line. But times were hard and though I tried, the money wasn't there And bankers came and took my land and told me fair is fair I looked for every kind of job, the answer always no "Hire you now?" they'd always laugh, "We just let twenty go" The government, they promised me a measly little sum But I've got too much pride to end up just another bum Then I thought,"Who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone? I'm gonna be a pirate on the river Saskatchewan!" Stealing wheat and barley and all the other grains And it's a ho hey, high hey, farmers bar your doors When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores Well you'd think the local farmers would think that I'm at large But just the other day I sank an unprotected barge I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser I rammed their ship and sank it and stole their fertilizer. A bridge outside of Moosejaw spans a mighty river Farmers cross in so much fear their stomachs are a-quiver Cuz they know that Tractor Jack is waiting in the bay I'll jump the bridge and knock them cold and sail off with their hay He'd follow on the shoreline cuz he didn't own a boat But cutbacks were a coming and the Mountie lost his job So now he's sailing with me and we call him Salty Bob A swinging sword, a skull and bones and pleasant company I never pay my income tax and screw the G.S.T. (SCREW IT!) Prince Albert down to Saskatoon, the terror of the sea If you want to reach the Co-op, boy, you gotta get by me I hear that in Alberta there's a band of buccaneers They roam the Athabasca, from Smith to Fort Mackay, And you're bound to lose your Stetson if you have to pass their way My pirate days are over once the river starts to freeze I'll be back in springtime but now I have to go I hear there's lots of plundering down in New Mexico... Chorus x 2
But you don't need to have money To get the things that you want to own You just have to get a loan When you buy small or large Just put it on your credit card You can live like a king Not paying for a single thing Don't let it bother you no more, no more Put it on credit and then forget it And go back to the store. Every night I pray and thank God above for creating the banks They have been so kind to me With their boundless generousity If you cannot make your payments Then do like the national government You can pay off what you own By taking out a bigger loan Chorus Now I seem to have men after me From the collection agency And the bank came by the other day Took everything I own away Now I think that it is plain to see That I must declare bankruptcy. But things aren't really all that bad I can borrow from my dad
And let's head to those heavenly halls. Sit on down and have a beer because bowling time is pretty near. Tortured men forget their pain When they head to the bowling lane Chorus: Let's go bowling, let's go bowling Let's go bowling, let's go bowling Let's go bowling Let's go bowling Let's do it now. Monster Trucks are a sight to see A culture, like, that's all nice and all But there ain't nothing better than a bowling ball You know the sport you've got to choose The one with the three-toned leather-soled shoes Bowling! The sport of kings, the sport of queens, the sport of dukes, earls, hoes, johns......Anything that looks good when it's embroidered on a polyester shirt. And you know, bowling takes on this almost religious signifigance because it's so much like a religion. I mean, the ball is round, like the Earth, and it's got the Holy Trinity, the Father, the Son, and the...Thumbhole. And as you roll the ball down the alley of life, striking out the pagen religions of the past, sparing them the anguish of their lives in the gutter, framing their existence in an eternal metaphysicalness, something like the seven-ten split!! We'll be bowling in Picton (yeah, yeah!) We'll be bowling in Gander (yeah, yeah!) And in the Kingston Township (yeah, yeah!) We'll be bowlin' Vancouver, bowlin' Saskatoon Someday they'll even be bowling on the moon I say yeah, yeah, yeah... Well me and my buddies we got us some beer and a great big bottle of rye And boxes of ammo and guns that go with 'em and good old Charlie's glass eye We look all around and we sees all the nature, so calm and so serene But not for long cuz we're gonna use guns to make furry animals scream Cuz we're going hunting gonna kill something. Don't care what it is Maybe a rabbit maybe a gopher, maybe the neighbour's kids. We're going hunting gonna kill something, Don't care what it is Maybe a rabbit maybe a gopher, maybe the neighbour's kids Well off we go our guns are loaded and so's are we We weave through the bushes and fall on our faces and piss on the nice trees. And than we spot something moving in a rush and we pump it full of lead, And we smile real wide as we hear it scream and thud as it falls down dead Chorus Well off we go to see what we killed and watch the damn thing bleed, The first thing we see is a bright orange cap, that we shot down old Charlie But he don't seem to mind he smiled all the time he died real happy, But next time he should tell us when he's going off to take a pee Chorus Well the sun's going down as we head back to town and hop in our pick-up truck, Strap Charlie on the hood, start up the engine drive home with any luck But what do you know we run into a pole but we're all still in one piece And we get a free ride back into town courtesy of the police Chorus Jump To The Top
Mackenzie King was Prime Minister, but now he's dead (dead) So don't go into politics, you'll end up dead Don't go into politics, you'll end up dead. Openheimer bult the bomb, but now he's dead, (dead) Einstein was very very smart, but not enough not to be dead (dead) So don't go into science, you'll end up dead Don't go into science, you'll end up dead And don't go into politics, you'll end up dead Don't go into politics, you'll end up dead Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Brian Jones, Keith Moon, Jim Morrison, Roy Orbison John Lennon, Bob Marley, Leonard Bernstein, Elvis Presley (Well we're not too sure about Elvis, but I think you get the point Don't go into music, you'll end up dead Don't go into music, you'll end up dead And don't go into science, you'll end up dead Don't go into politics, you'll end up dead RAP: Break it down you'll be burned, you'll be fried, you'll get buried alive And there's a no hope thinking that you're gonna survive Cuz there's drowning and choking and cancer from smoking And smothered while sleeping and blood will start soaking So I have found you'll end up in the ground, and you'll be dead So I have found you'll end up in the ground, I wish there was an option instead But you'll be dead, dead, maybe with a bullet in your head But you'll be dead, dead Very very very very Very very very very Dead Jump To The Top
This week!
Often on the weekend I'll jump in my car I won't fill up the tank although I'm going far And if somebody asks me if I'm going to a bar I'll say I'm shopping cross the border in the USA I do not go down there to buy my groceries I respect our farmers and our factories I don't believe that local means it's poor in quality It's just our god damn prices are too high If he stays away for just two days I'll get one hundred dollars duty-free Though he adds two more he'll have payment for I don't declare the products if they're in my trunk (He won't declare the products if they're in his trunk) Although it is Canada that I call home I don't cheer for the Yankees when I'm in the Dome I didn't swell with pride during the Desert Storm It's just that I don't want to pay the tax (It's just that he's too cheap to pay the tax) Yes it's just like this he's a Loyalist I'll only shop at malls that fly our flag And he'll tell Bob Rae that he just won't pay Unless it's for my unemployment benifits (Get a job, get a job, get a job) Now everybody's doing the same thing as me The're doing what they can to beat the GST They're lining up for miles at the duty-free So I bought a J.C. Penny store in Buffalo (So everybody come on down to Buffalo) You'll get one hundred dollars duty-free Though it's not that hard it will still go far And it ends up in the pocket of a country man It ends up in the pocket of a country man Canada
I'm out on the range surveying the land Thinking of the job that's to be done My life is hard but I don't mind Men like me, that's how the West was won I stand the pain and the suffering For on the trail I am the king On doors I knock and on bells I ring Always sure that I will get the sale Chorus: For I am Dan the insurance salesman In a beat-up Chevrolet I drive I rope them in and tie them up and bind them legally For on the dotted line I make them sign Well, the door swings wide I sense my prey Ready to fall victim to my pitch I tell him all about the plan With all of its inherent benefits If you lose an arm it's a thousand bucks Lose both of them and get twice as much And if you should die well then bless your luck You'll just be raking in the cash Chorus The sucker signs, the deed is done Time for me to get back on the road A lonely man out on the land Out where the wind can blow so cold I ride into the setting sun With the knowledge of a job well-done But I can't rest until everyone Has become properly insured Chorus
If you haven't heard of me I wouldn't be surprised I bet you know my relatives, thier names will never die My mother is a Saint and my brother is a God But all I am is Jesus' brother Bob Chorus: Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob A nobody relative of the son of God If only I'd been born just a little sooner I'd be more than the brother of God Jr. I have to pay the ferry to cross the Galilee But not my brother, no not him, he walks across for free I finally get to work at a quarter after nine Already he's turning water into wine Chorus One day when I was home I heard a mighty roar There were a thousand people right outside the door "Help us Jesus, help us!" came the cheering from the mob Then they got a look at me, "Oh nuts it's only Bob!" Chorus He died upon the cross, I thought that I was free Finally people would get to know me for me This was my big chance to finally get ahead The next thing you know he's rising from the dead Chorus Ahhhh... Bob
I spent my days watching TV with a beer (Ooh, ahh, you're fat) This seems to have caused my ample belly to appear (Ooh, ahh, you're fat) Then one day, my woman went and left me (Did not want to sleep with a whale) She said she found someone more manly (A body that could not fail) So I went and I looked into the mirror (You look like a big tub of goo) And I dreamed of being big and manly (Dreaming is the best you can do) Then I thought what would I ask for (Someone gave you a wish) I would like to look like my hero (He's one big manly dish) Chorus: I want to look like Arnold Schwartzeneger I don't want to be fat and weak I want to look like Arnold Schwartzeneger I want a manly physique I put down the Cheetos and I went on a crash diet (Carrots were all you ate) Then I noticed my skin was turning orange (You're just a big mistake) Then I overdosed on diet pills (Too bad you did not die) But still I want to look like my idol (That great big beefy guy) Chorus I bought myself a weight set and some steriods (To make you big and strong) And I worked out really really hard (But it did not last for long) I put out my back and the steriods made me sterile (Not like it mattered anyway) And about looking like my hero (He has one thing to say) I don't want to look like Arnold Schwartzeneger I don't mind being fat and weak I don't want to look like Arnold Schwartzeneger It's easier being fat and lazy You'll never look like Arnold Schwartzeneger You'll always be fat and weak You'll never look like Arnold Swarzenneger You are fat and ugly
I bought me an auto, an '81 Ford Escort wagon Now the fan it be broke and the tailpipe it be draggin' I feel like a shlemeel my mechanic's fit for hangin' I've got to go to rust check 'bout the price I'll be hagglin' I can't drive it home cuz the muffler it be saggin' Got a carfull of pain Satan's in my engine Beelzebub's in my trunk Mephistopheles at the wheel because I'm too goddam drunk Baal 's my pasenger and Lucifer's beside him I've got demons in the coolant I've got bats in the transmission This Escort needs an exorcism Pan is to blame Got a carfull of pain I put a tiger in my tank I let a champ spark my gas Now all I got's a demon in the hood a pain in the ass I think the seats are broken Please please mister, take your blessed wrench Cast out the demon hoard and replace that brimstone stench With the smell of gasoline a heavenly muffled roar I'll worship you Mr. Speedy Man -- Mr. Goodwrench even more Let it run let it run; Oh God let it run And now it purrs just like a kitten it roars just like a lion It looks just like a temple golden carved by the Mayans Here comes the mechanic oh God, how much? 400 bucks you piece of slime you smell and you suck! Your father was a jackal your Mom's her sister bitch I've got a carfull of pain
The table's set and the turkey's out Christmas is here we let out a shout The family's gathered all about Christmas, Christmas is here Everyone is wearing big smiles They all try to act nice for a while Then George calls his in-laws vile Christmas, Christmas is here Chorus: Oh it's that, that time of the year When everyone's troubles disappear And everyone smiles from ear to ear Christmas, Christmas is here George has been drinking a lot He just can't keep out of the sauce He says his wife's been screwing her boss Christmas, Christmas is here Margaret throws her food in his face People are hungry it's really a waste Then she screams "How does that taste?!" Christmas, Christmas is here Chorus George picks up the carving knife Wields it around and starts to slice Henry cocks his shotgun twice Christmas, Christmas is here Henry says "Hey what's the deal? Just sit down and finish your meal Or I'll pump you full of steel" Christmas, Christmas is here Chorus Police arive just after eight Responding to a noise complaint They open the door what a grizzly fate Christmas, Christmas is here Fa, la, la and deck the halls Blood was spattered on the walls Merry Christmas one and all Christmas, Christmas is here Chorus (X2) "Merry Christmas everybody!"
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