Who's the guy with all the tests? He's
Sam, the guy from "Quincy"
A white lab jacket, a hypodermic
Sam, the guy from "Quincy"
He dosen't care if you're live or dead
He'll perform an analysis on your head
Find out if you've bleached your hair
Try and fool him if you dare

Chorus:

He's Sam, the guy from "Quincy"
Oh yeah!
Bop shoo op, bob bop shoo op
Bop shoo op, bob bop shoo op

Was that dead guy poisoned or stabbed? Just ask
Sam, the guy from "Quincy"
Was his scar caused by a fork? Just ask
Sam, the guy from "Quincy"
He knows all the spectrographic analyzers
Blood count, sperm count, hemoglobin level
He knows how many hairs are on your head
And he knows when the coffee's ready

Chorus

Where would television be without him?
Sam, the guy from "Quincy"
There's nobody else who's earned our trust except for
Sam, the guy from "Quincy"
Although he deserves, he never gets top filled
Only gets the girl if she's been killed
Always the bride's maid, never the bride
Poor Sam's only along for the ride

Chorus

He's Sam

I once was a happy man of sound and stable mind
Then my neighbour bought a dog
He put a ribbon on it's head to mak it cute
But it still looked like a chihuahua
He had me over to watch it sit and beg
It bit my knee, and made love to my leg
Now it barks all the night and all of the day
Whenever it's not peeing on my lawn

I didn't get to sleep last night until very late
The stupid dog barked and "grrr"ed
I got up late for work and ran to catch the bus
But I slipped on a turd
I was certain it wasn't one of mine
That that dog had crossed over the line
I wanted to exterminate it and all it's kind
For my lovely little suburb

Chorus:

I'm gonna kill the dog next door
Ain't gonna bark anymore
Cuz this is judgement day
The little runt has got to pay
No more turds on my lawn
That stupid mutt will soon be gone
gonna kill kill kill kill kill kill kill that dog

I see the little monster in my garden
So I grab an axe and off I go
And I try my best to get it
All I do is sever my big toe
My neighbour comes outside to calm me
He says my dog and me should just be friends
He puts his little pet in my forgiving hands
Then it starts to bite, so I strangle it with all my might

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh

Chorus

Now the stupid mutt's in doggy heaven
I strangled it to death and now I'm free
But my trouble ain't quite over
My neighbour called the cops on me
I end up at the police station
Where I am told that I must pay
A three-hundred dollar fine
Wow! What a good value! I think I'll kill my neighbour too
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh

I'm gonna kill the guy next door
Won't call the cops anymore
I never liked him anyway
Three-hundred isn't much to pay
There are turds on my lawn
They must be his, his dog is gone
Gonna kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill that guy

I met you in biology in high school
You told me after college we'd be wed
You were my favorite lab partner
'Till you ran off with that brilliant young pre-med
My pain would show up on a CAT scan
My optic nerves are only seeing blue
My blood hates to flow, because it has to go
Through the four chambered heart that cries for you

Chorus:

I'm in the lonely lab of broken hearts
I disect the way you say goodbye until it falls apart
I'm in the lonely lab of feeling blue
And my pheromones can find no trace of you

You were as sweet as crystaline carbohydrates
The rods and cones, my optical receptors are filled with tears
I wanted to elope, so we could make some isotopes
With a half life of a million thousand years
If I suspend my tracheal dilations 'till you returned here
My muscles would need ATP anaerobic respiration
Adenine, cytosine, guanine and thimine might make up my DNA
But my love gene must be missing from its station

Chorus

The metallurgist is the musician's best friend. This statement has been echoed throughout the ages, for, without the metalurgist, we could not have such things as triangles, cymbals, margarine tubs or guitar string. Guitar strings are produced by the wire drawing process, in which solid metal is pulled through a series of dies in progessively smaller diameters, until the desired diameter for a gauge is reached. The ability to be drawn into wires is called "ductility" and separates metals from other materials, such as wood, ceramics, or plastic milk jugs, which are made by a blow-moulding process ..... you put the milk in later.

As a little boy I dreamed of playing rock n' roll
Playing in stadiums with every ticket sold
7 figure income from a 6 string guitar
Dating gorgeous women and driving custom cars

And then it happened when my record went gold
Then I'm thinkin' what will I do when I get old
Can't live forever as the king of rock
That's why I'm investing in some blue chip stock

Chorus
I've got sex, drugs, & RRSPs
I'm a rock n' roller with financial security
Sex, drugs, & RRSPs
I'm a guitar hero with mortgage equity

I'm a modern rebel with a cause
I like finding loopholes in the new tax laws
My fans are reading 'bout me in the Rolling Stone
While I'm talking to my broker on the telephone

On stage I run around like some animal
But all my money's in a compound annual
This life is dangerous but I don't care
Because I've got insurance on my guitar and my hair

Chorus

We used to be such a happy band
Phil and Nick and Bob and Stan
But Phil choked on his vomit
And then Nick choked on his vomit
And then Stan choked on his vomit
And then so did Bob...
What a bunch of idiots

Their deaths sure meant an awful lot to me
Cuz now I'm getting all their royalties
They would have spent it on women and booze
But me I've got commodities that just won't lose

The things in life that I apreciate
Are any stocks and bonds that won't depreciate
My stocks are healthy and my bankroll's high
Rock n' roll and real estate will never die

Chorus

Chorus

Scott became famous for freezing to death in Antarctica
Columbus made history thinking some island was India
General Custer's a national hero for not knowing when to run
All of these men are famous, and they're also very dumb

Chorus:

History is made by stupid people
Clever people wouldn't even try
If you want a place in the history books
Then do something dumb before you die

Nobility is famous for no reason
Marie Antoinette enjoyed her cake
She caused a revolution when she would not share
And her husband lost his head for that mistake

The Hindenberg was a giant Zeppelin
It's makers made a minor oversight
Before they filled it up with explosive gas
They should have fixed the no smoking light

"Cuz"

Chorus

Tally ho! Tally ho!
Our King and country's honour we will save
Tally ho! Tally ho!
We're marching into history and the grave

So if your son or daughter seem too lazy
Sitting there watching bad TV
Just remember you should be quite grateful
At least they are not making history

Chorus

Last night when I went to bed, with tangled hair upon my head
In every way I really was a kid
It happened without warning, when I woke up in the morning
I can't tell you just what happened but it did
I grew six inches in one day, it's painful when it goes that way
And now my skinny body's really achin'
And my skin just exploded with an inch of oil, it's loaded
It's so greasy you could fry a pound of bacon

Chorus:
My voice is changing out of thin air
And body parts that once were smooth are growing bits of hair
My voice is changing what does it mean
I guess I'll be a real man before I turn thirteen

I buy two pairs of jeans a week, I'm such a tall and awkward geek
I fall down when I try to play a grounder
At dinner every night I eat a giant heaping plate of meat
Then go out with my friends for quarter pounders
And weird emotions come alive, my hormones are in overdrive
I've turned into a girl watching creature
And all my friends their marks are shot but hey don't care because they're hot
For Mrs. Smith the mathematics teacher

Chorus

Pretty soon I bet I'll be right into heavy metal but my parents say
At least it isn't rap
I'll start wearing stupid clothes and threaten that I'll pierce my nose
And tell my parents all they like is crap
The first girl that I ever kiss would be the one and who could miss
Our love forever written in the stars
But I don't think our love will last unless the four years go by fast
'Till I can use the back seat of the car

Chorus

Chorus

"Cha, cha, cha"

I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
Cuz I get to play with other people's money

I'm having a lousy day
I burn my toast and spill my coffee on my best shirt
So I had to change and then I'm late for work
So I Rush into the meeting where they are discussing what my future in the corporation is
But I don't really give a damn, but I don't have another job
And so I lie and say

I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
Cuz I get to talk to stimulating people

I open up my mail
Hoping that it's not a bill but it's from the bank
Saying that I he only twenty hours to go
To contribute to my RRSP for this tax year
So I run down to the bank, but there's a twenty mile line-up
And I'm yelling, and I'm screaming
And I'm not wearing any pants
Aarrrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!

I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
Cuz I get to screw with other people's lives

I took out forty bucks, from the automatic teller
It told me that I couldn't cuz I just had ten
But that can't be, cuz I just got paid on Friday
So I go down to the bank, wait an hour in the line up
And I'm talking to the teller she say's "wait, I'll get your last month's statement"
She comes back in seven hours, says I've got some interest charges and a cheque from Uncle Bill that bounced and so they'll have to charge me forty bucks for that and for the box I never opened
And I don't have overdraft protection and I think I'll die before I pay off all my auto loan
And I don't even own a car!

I'm pleased to be a banker
I'm proud to be a banker
I'm pleased to be a banker
Cuz I get to play with other people's money

He's a banker
"Would you please endorse this cheque?"
He's a banker
"Do you have any assets?"
He's a banker
"You should buy you shouldn't rent"
He's a banker
"That cheque will cost you fifty cents"

It will cost you fifty cents

Once a year we celebrate with stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make another trip around the sun
And the whole clan gathers round and gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound and sing that stupid song

Happy Birthday
Now you're one year older
Happy Birthday
Your life still isn't over
Happy Birthday
You did not accomplish much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough

So let's drink to your fading health and hope you don't remind yourself
Your chance of finding fame and wealth decrease with every year
Does it feel like you're doing laps and eating food and taking naps
And hoping that some day perhaps your life will hold some cheer

Happy Birthday
What have you done that matters?
Happy Birthday
You're starting to get fatter
Happy Birthday
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone

If cryogenics were all free then you could live like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity inside a block of ice
But instead your time is set this is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet sometimes you wish it might

Happy Birthday
You wish you had more money
Happy Birthday
Your life's so sad it's funny
Happy Birthday
How much more can you take
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake

Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday
Dear...... (continuous names)

Darling for you, I think of what I'd do
To keep you safe and sound
I would climb the highest mountian, I would swim the widest sea
I would wrestle a gorillia to the ground
I would fend off a thousand charging rhinos
I would capture a swarm of killer bees
I would fight a fiery dragon with a wooden sword
If I didn't know what this could do to me

Cuz it's too dangerous
I'd really like to do it but I might get hurt
It's dangerous
I don't feel like bleeding on my brand new shirt
You might call me cowardly and say I'm full of fright
You may call me yellow, and baby you'd be right

So I'd jump across volcanoes full of lava
I'd even grab a tiger by the tail
I would make fun of a boxing champion's mother
But my courage and my bowels both would fail
I would fight off a bunch of angry Cossacks
I would stop a thousand bullets with my hand
I would laugh as my leg was amputated
But baby, I'm not that kind of man

Cuz it's too dangerous
I use big words but I never do the deed
It's dangerous
I faint like a baby if I see somebody bleed
I haven't got a backbone, I'm as timid as a mouse
I could find a cure for this, but I can't leave the house

Cuz it's dangerous
Too dangerous
Too dangerous


For MEEEEE... (holds this for 30 seconds))

For Me...

For Me!

When I was a kid I wanted to grow up and be a cop in a province, town or county
I thought it would be great if some day I could only ever be a Mountie
I wanted to beat up crooks and make arrests because that's part of the profession
But now I sit on my horse and tell Americian tourists that Parliament's in session
I really don't look good in red and my stupid hat flies off my head in every parade
I'm young and strong and have no fear but now I'm spending my career in motorcades

Chorus:

I wanna enforce the law, I wanna wear normal clothes
I don't wanna have to smile for a diplomat's home videos
I'm good at working real hard, I should have joined the coast guard
Oh no the RCMP is not the life for me

I used to think that a Mountie had to be honest, loyal, humble, strong and thrifty
But even though we don't break ranks we get no thanks they took us off the fifty
On Sussex Drive in hallowed halls we act like guards in shopping malls, it's such a pain
Like someone's plotting the assination of the Minister of Sports and Recreation now that's
insane
Sometimes I just wanna puke on Seargant Preston of the Yukon, Dudley Doright's such a
jerk
And though he tries with all his heart, my horse couldn't catch a golfing cart
Some days I hate to go to work

Chorus

(Bantering)

Chorus

Watchin' television one afternoon, lookin' for a movie or a good cartoon
Stopped by a station's commercial break, when suddenly I'm faced with a heartache
The woman of my dreams is plain in view, selling me a can of liver stew

Chorus:

Dog food, dog food woman
Dog food, dog food woman
Dog food, dog food woman
Dog food, dog food woman
You steal my heart and you take my soul
Every time I see you fill Fido's bowl

Now I watch TV 20 hours a day, just to watch your commercials play
If someday your love was in reach, I'd be all yours honey, you could put me on a leash
You love that dog, can you love a man? I make my own gravy when you show that can

Chorus

I figure the only way she'll notice me, is if I buy what she's selling on TV
So I stop at the local shopping mall, head for the pet store and buy it all
Go to the bank and empty my savings, so I can buy more of what Spot is craving

Spent all my money by accident, can't buy groceries or pay the rent
Got evicted, now I live on the street, crunchy kibble's all I got to eat
My breath is real bad, my tongue's turning black, but I got a nice shiny coat of hair on my back

Chorus

Chorus

On the Mounted Animal Nature Trail, you'll be sure to see
All Mother Nature's favorite pets all sitting rigidly
They're never hungry anymore their last meal left them stuffed
Don't worry they won't walk away if you try to pet their fluff

Chorus:

Where the cow goes: .......
And the dog goes: ........
And the bear goes: .......
And the pig goes: .......
And the crow goes: Caw!
I guess it's still alive
You can see all this, on the Mounted Animal Nature Trail

The Mounted Animal Nature Trail it's great for Mom and Dad
Where else could Grandma and the kids see the silence of the lambs?
Don't have to walk a hundred miles or climb the steepest hill
And the only fearsome sound you'll hear is the ringing of the till

Chorus

The only things that bite are the bugs
And unlike other theme parks the mice won't say "hello"
And if you're having trouble with you own family pet
You can bring him in and add him to the trail

Chorus

[Reading]: It appears to me that Gainesville Sun is withholding information from the public. Recently, there was a four column spread about a probable murder from a gun; Another item tells of a shooting death in Key Biscane; A third item tells us of a soldier shooting his wife and children. I can count on such reports in about every issue of the Sun. We can be sure that many more incidents have occurred of people being protected from injury or death because they had a gun. These reports can be easily attained from the National Rifle Association. I am sure they keep accurate records of such protection. The failure to report these cases of protection is not fair. I urge you to correct this. I suggest a small box in every paper called protected by guns. Simply insert the number of such protections. On those rare days when none are noted, simply put a zero in the box.

Trevor: Thanks, Bill...

"1, 2, 3, 4!"

Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
"There'd be no more crime, cuz everybody'd have a gun"
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?

Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
"We wouldn't need the police no more, cuz everybody'd have a gun"
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?

Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
"Nobody'd ever get shot, cuz everybody'd have a gun"
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?

We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
We could go out and shoot things
"We'd all feel safe, cuz everybody'd have a gun"

Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?
"Everyone'd be equal, cuz everybody'd have a gun"
"No, not me, I'd got me a rifle"
(people comparing guns)

Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a weapon of their choice?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a weapon of their choice?
Wouldn't it be great if everybody had a gun?