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A Man Has Needs
Baby, I wanna tell ya all my hopes, dreams and fears,
But I'm watchin' television, could you get me another beer?
There's wrestling and pro football on, I hope you understand
And I must watch it all, for I am a man
And a man has needs, and a man has desires,
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn!
And a man, he bleeds, and a man, he perspires,
Till the stains show on his shirt
I missed our anniversary, the birth of our son
It was beyond my control, my team was on a play-off run
Oh, baby, baby, baby, you mean everything to me
But could you move your butt? You're blocking the TV!
Cuz a man has needs, and a man has desires,
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn!
And a man, he bleeds, and a man, he does tire,
Gets sleepy and naps on the couch.
Mike: Oh baby, oh honey, oh darlin', oh, puddin', I notice you have a suitcase. What do you mean you're leaving me? What do you mean we don't communicate? We're talkin' all the time; We're talkin' about important stuff, like - OOH! Monster trucks... Holy gees, that little Volkswagon ain't got no chance against the Cow Crusher! C'MON, COW CRUSHER!! C'MON! Crush that little Volks- She's gone!! Aw, I hope she left me one of those Pudding Pops. They're tasty.
Cuz a man has needs, and a man has desires
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn.
And a man, he bleeds, and he shops at Canadian Tire
And he always keeps his coupons.
A man has needs, and a man has desires
Eternal fires that burn, burn, burn
And a man he bleeds, and a man, he expires
And he cried when Wayne Gretzky retired.
Jump To The Top
Steel Drivin' Man
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
He'd get up in the morning to hammer in them spikes
Unless he'd been up drinking the previous night
Or if his bones weren't feeling right
Or if it looked like it was going to rain.
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
He had a tendancy of being late for work
And everyone around thought he was a jerk
He'd take long breaks and say his back was hurt
Then he'd have a drink to ease the pain
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
His arms were like twigs and his legs were like straws
His hands were like a baby's bum they were so soft
He'd wheeze and moan and whine and cough
Then go home and take a little nap
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
He never got fired cuz he was the boss' son
He just hung around and bothered everyone
Never drove a spike, not a single one
Though every now and then he'd give a tap
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
So he took his hammer and he hammered one time
He took his hammer and he hammered two times
He took his hammer and he hammed three times
Then he got crushed by a meteor and died
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
Who never really gave a damn
Only thing he worked on was his tan
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man
Mike McCormick was a steel drivin' man.
Jump To The Top
Great To Be A Nerd
It's great to be a nerd, it's great to be a nerd
The only light we see is from our moniter
We argue about comic books and intenet connections
The biggest highlight of the year is the Star Trek Convention
Our town isn't big enough to sign up any stars
But we once met a red shirt that was phasered by a Borg
It's great to be a nerd, it's great to be a nerd
We wear our Star Trek uniforms and talk like Captain Kirk
We have our own heroes who we try to emulate
I dream of one day being as sexy as Bill Gates
We hate watching sports 'cause we're reading Carl Sagan,
But we'd watch the Olympics if they played Dungeons and Dragons!
It's great to be a nerd, it's great to be a nerd,
We think Tolkien's a genius and Shakespeare was a turd
We rarely get a date or get talked to by a girl
Unless they're having trouble with their algebra homework
We're emotionally bereft and we're sexually frustrated
But we can download photographs of Agent Scully naked!
It's great to be a nerd, it's great to be a nerd,
We know the truth is out there, but we'd have to leave our room
We are the nerds in your neighbourhood
Polyester's a fashion statement
But there's more room on the beach for you
Cause we're locked in our basements
It's great to be a nerd, it's great to be a nerd
We like to wear colours that do not appear in nature
It's great to be a poorly dressed, fashionless,
Star Trekking, roleplaying,
Ninety pound when wet down,
Pasty-skinned, poop drinking, underfed genius
Yes, it's great to be a nerd!
Jump To The Top
Celine Dion
I think I've got a crush on Celine Dion
The way she beats her chest when she sings a love song.
There's something about her, makes me wanna feed her,
And I'd love to be Mister Celine Dion.
She'll sing a song in English, then she'll sing en francais,
Both the songs'll suck, but I love her anyway.
She's full of emotion, I'm full of devotion for Celine,
And I'll be hers someday.
Oh, Celine Dion, you soft-rock my world,
Won't you please be mine, Celine?
I would do anything, if you'd be my girl,
Oh, be my girl, Celine.
I sent you cards and letters, but you don't respond
You play hard to get, but my heart goes on and on
I just wanna say, 'je vous aimerez'
And I can see her house from my van!
Hi honey! Did you change your phone number?
Oh, Celine Dion, you soft-rock my world,
Won't you please be mine, Celine?
I would do anything, if you'd be my girl,
Oh, be my girl, Celine
(Celine) Celine,
Her skin's so soft and clean, just like porceline,
I wish she'd slather me with a tub of Vaseline!
(That was a little creepy!)
I'm sorry, Celine, (Celine,) Celine, (Celine,) Celine.
Celine......Dion Jump To The Top
Rocks And Trees
My country's bigger than most
And if asked I boast
'Cause I'm really proud
So I shout it loud
Though our numbers are few
We will welcome you.
Although we don't have history,
Gold medal winning teams,
Heroes or prisoners
World famous volcanoes
Still what we've got's glorious
Cause we've got rocks and trees and trees and rocks
And rocks and trees and trees and rocks
And rocks and trees and trees and rocks
And rocks and trees and trees and rocks
And water!
Alright, everyone!
We've got rocks and trees and trees and rocks
And rocks and trees and trees and rocks
And rocks and trees and trees and rocks
And water!
In Canada, Canada, Canada, Canada,
Canada, Canada, Canada,
Canada
Canada, Canada, Canada, Canada,
Canada, Canada, Canada,
Canada
Jump To The Top
The Gaelic Song Lyrics courtesy of Chris Keddie, who had the patience to type them out in the fist place. Transcribed from the Worms' show on DNTO, December, 1998
Ah ma wee hach patew mae bo clee hach maneagh
Heow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow BARK meow
Saigh hough loo loo cheow dach hagh vreigh chouach mouheaugh
Douauh meah mae couchah moo ma meagh pach hooragh
Aye, that's pretty isn't it? (Aye!) Trevor, are ye gonna wassel for us?
I'd love ta wassel.
(Trevor makes "wasseling" sounds while Chris translates)
Ah yes... it was a lovely Christmas Eve and we went out with Uncle Roger
and the Christmas monkey and we went down to the glen... or was it to the
heather... or was it to Heather and Glen's... and we sat around the big jar
of mayonnaise and sang songs... of love.
What? I'm just translating.
Oh, thanks Trevor. (Aye) Chris, are ye gonna play us a solo on that Celtic guitar? (Oh yeah)
(Chris plays a penny-whistle solo while the others cry how wonderful it is)
Oh, beautiful. Oh, play it like Grandpappy did. Ohhh...
Chris Patterson, keeping the tradition alive! (Aye, aye)
All right, are we ready to sing (Aye!)
All right, are we ready to sing (Aye!)
All right, are we ready to sing (Aye!)
All right, are we ready to sing (Aye!)
Ah ma wee hach matew mae bo clee hach maneagh
Cun meow meow meow meow meow meow meow BARK meow
Saigh hough loo loo cheow dach hagh vreigh chouach mouheaugh
Tou baigh peagh mae couchah moo ma meagh pach hooragh
Ach! Jump To The Top
Wong's Chinese Buffet
I'm feeling hungry, empty tummy, and I wanna make it full
So I spend the day at Wong's buffet and eat till I explode
There's sixty types of Oriental delights, I gotta have them all
Chicken wings and onion rings and sweet and sour balls
At Wong's, come and sail with me
At Wong's, on the sea of gluttony
At Wong's, eat until it hurts
But don't forget there's pudding for dessert
The chicken's tough, the noodles are rough
The chowmein's three days old
But it's quantity, not quality that has got my soul
So I fill my plate, no mistake, there's no holding back
I won't stop until I got a packed digestive tract
At Wong's, no dish is a loss
At Wong's, covered in red sauce
At Wong's, everything is battered,
And what's inside doesn't really matter.
Stop! Ooooooohhhhh. Second plate! Huh! Third plate! Oh. Fourth plate. Oooooohhhh. Dessert. Uugggghh... Fortune cookie. I ate the fortune.
I try to leave. I want to heave. My whole body hurts.
Can barely stand, I tell you man, I got my money's worth.
If I get the time I'm going to go to China
And eat at their ancient buffets
But I'm wondering how they stay so thin
Eating like this every day
At Wong's, give chopsticks a try
At Wong's, to pick up your French fry
At Wong's, you know I'm coming back,
Eating here's worth the heart attack
Wong's Chinese Buffet
Jump To The Top
I Am Cow
I am cow, hear me moo
I weigh twice as much as you
And I look good on the barbeque
Yogurt, curd, cream cheese and butter
Came from liquid from my udder
I am cow, I am cow, hear me moo.
I am cow, eating grass,
Methane gas comes out my ass
And out of my muzzle when I belch.
Oh, the ozone layer is thinner
From the outcome of my dinner
I am cow, I am cow, I've got gas
I am cow, here I stand
Far and wide upon this land,
And I am living everywhere,
From B.C. to Newfoundland,
You can squeeze my teats by hand,
I am cow, I am cow, I am cow....
I am cow, I am cow,
I am cow.
Jump To The Top
Johnny Came Home Headless
Oh, Johnny was a tall man but his memory was short,
He'd forget to duck the doorways and aften he'd get hurt
I took good care of him for he had no family,
Actually he did, but he forgot who they be
Johnny often liked to go out on the twon
He'd forget where he'd be going so he'd just wander around
I knew when he was back for I would hear the smack
Of his head hitting the doorway, but tonight it was alack.
Johnny came home headless, it was a great disgrace
But wherever it's a lying there's a smile apon his face
I should've seen it coming, he finally lost his mind
But if his head don't turn up soon then all his hats are mine
Johnny came towards me, but suddenly he stopped
As if trying to think of something but having no luck
Still he didn't notice that his head weren't there
'Til he took out a brush and tried to comb his hair.
I said, "Johnny, where's your cranium?" but he didn't seem to know
he just shrugged his shoulders and tried to find his nose
And the sight of him topless made me start to cry
For I feared we'd ne'er again see eye to eye
Johnny came home headless, he should've stayed in bed
For now I fear he'll spend his life trying to get ahead
Refusing to believe that he had split for good
His lower half and me searched the neighbourhood
It soon became apparent that his head we wouldn't find it
He could not retrace his steps, he was absent minded
Well years went by til late one night I heard a voice I swore
It was Johnny calling out for me, I flung open the door
Johnny's head was home, it took a taxi cab
But, alas, it was too late, his body had gone bad.
Johnny's head was homeless, his body was cremated
And the funeral was harder than he had anticipated
I should have seen it coming, he said in his eulogy
But I never thought I'd have to say I ain't got no body
I ain't got no body...
Johnny came home headless, it was a great disgrace
But now his head is on a shelf, a smile upon his face
But now his head is on a shelf, a smile upon his face.
Jump To The Top
Heimlich Maneuver
I love you so much, I need the Heimlich Maneuver
The sun goes down on another day, a day where I haven't found love
I try to eat, but all I taste is the flavour of a broken heart
Then I saw you across the room, I gasp and my breathing stops!
My heart's in my throat, or is it a potato?
I love you so much, I need the Heimlich Maneuver
Your love sticks like a turkey bone in my throat
She's in my thoughts and it'll need a jolt to remove her
My love is consummating while I'm aphyxiating over her
When I wake up, I'm on the floor
Faint, dizzy and alone
My stomach hurts, I think my ribs are cracked, I'm not sure if I'm in a dream
I turn my head and there you are
I call out and my breathing stops!
It's her again punching my esophagus.
I love you so much I need the Heimlich Maneuver
Your love sticks like a turkey bone in my throat
She's in my thoughts and it'll need a jolt to remove her
Before my expiration, I need resuscitation
Mouth to mouth
She throws water on my face, slaps my cheek,
Helps me back on my stool
She's a waitress here, but in the night,
She's a student at nursing school
She comes again with a smile and a bill
I pick it up and choke again
She charged me for my lunch and the medical procedure
I love you so much, I need the Heimlich Maneuver
Your love sticks like a turkey bone in my throat
She's in my thoughts and it'll need a jolt to remove her
For my lasting endurance, I'll need medical insurance for my bill
For me to get some peace, I'll need a tracheotomy
And an airbag
Jump To The Top
Scary Ned
Let me tell you a story about scary Ned
Scariest guy to ever wet a bed
He had hands on his arms and eyes on his head
But they weren't his
He'd go down to the market and try to scare the fish
He said that they bothered him, they weren't his favourite dish
Then he'd go down to the highway and pretend that he was dead
That was just the way he was, creepy, scary Ned
Oooooooohhhhh........scary Ned
Ned loved Halloween, cuz he didn't need a mask
He'd steal the children's candy, he didn't even ask
He'd sit right down in front of them and then he'd start to eat
And tell them they were better off, cuz that stuff can rot your teeth.
Oooooooooohhhhhh......Oooooooooohhhhhh......scary Ned
A strange glow came from his place late into the night
He'd watch TV til the dawn, you know that ain't right
When he got tired, he'd rub saurkraut on his head
That's just the kind of guy he was, good old scary Ned
Oooooooooooohhh......Oooooooooooohhh......Oooooooooooohhh......scary Ned
He had a face his mother didn't love
When people saw him on the street, they often said, "Uugghh!!"
And sometimes late at night, he'd walk alone
And he'd be reciting stuff
Bad sounding stuff
Icky, awful stuff
But when you got to know him, he weren't so bad
Ooooooooooohhhhh.....scary Ned
Ooooooooooohhhhh.....Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhh........Oooooooooohhhhhhhh.......scary Ned
Jump To The Top
Sponges
Can't think of anything to sing about
Not much out there to sing about
The world's okay, the weather's fine, no need to sing about that
I'll sing about
SPONGES!!! SPONGES, YEAH!!!
SPONGES!!! SPONGES, YEAH YEAH!!!
SPONGES SUCK! SPONGES SUCK! SPONGES ABSORB LIQUID THEN YOU SQUEEZE THEM OUT!
YEAH!
There's lots of songs of peace, lots of songs of love
Even songs about peaches and Valkyries
No songs about
TUNA FISH! TUNA FISH! TUNA FISH! TUNA FISH!
THEY'RE REAL BIG! SWIM IN OCEANS, COME IN CANS LIKE HOCKEY PUCKS!
TUNA GOT THEIR NAME CUZ THEY DON'T SWIM IN PAIRS!!
Get it? Tu..NAH! Are dere two of dose fish?! NAAHH!!! TuNAH! TuNAH! It's funny...hehehehee, yes! No? ....I like tuna...
SPONGES!!! SPONGES, YEAH!!!
SPONGES!!! SPONGES, YEAH YEAH!!!
SPONGES SUCK! SPONGES SUCK! SPONGES SUCK! SPONGES SUCK! SPONGES CLEAN UP DISHES AND SINKS AND COUNTERTOPS AND BABY'S NOSES!!!
THEY SUCK UP SOAP AND WHEN YOU SQUEEZE THEM OUT, THEY MAKE BUBBLES!
BUBBLES!!
BUBBLES!!!
Sponges.
Jump To The Top
Login To You
You've double-clicked my heart,
You've upgraded my life,
You booted up my hard drive,
Please, be my cyber-wife.
You've logged into my soul,
You've downloaded my dreams,
Let's go to my chatroom and I'll show you what I mean....
I wanna login to you,
So I can prove my love is true,
You're the Apple of my IBM, let me interface with you
I wanna login to you (Login to you...)
The password's incorrect, my login was denied,
I gotta open up your motherboard, put my pentium inside
I got a 21" screen, the colours will make you dizzy,
My attachments are full of love for you,
But your modem still rings busy!
www.love, you@me.com,
You can unzip all my floppy files and spin my CD ROM!
I wanna login to you,
So I can prove my love is true,
I'm free of any virus,
and I've been debugged too,
I wanna login to you
So I can prove my love is true,
Be my laptop dancer,
I've got lotsa RAM for you,
I wanna login to you!
www.love, you@me.com, www.love, you@me.com,
www.love, you@me.com, www.love, you@me.com, www.love, you@me.com,
www.love, you@me.com, www.love, you@me.com, www.love, you@me.com,
www.love, you@me.com, www.love, you@me.com,
www.love, you@me.com, www.love, you@me.com, www.love, you@me.com,
www.love, you@me.com, www.love, you@me.com, www.love, you@me.com,
www.love.
Jump To The Top
Winnebago
I don't really want to transpose this song. It's a good song, it's just that I'm FAAAAR too lazy. I'd rather go upstairs and eat. Besides, Jessie Blake did such a good job of it, it didn't want to compete with her outstanding feat. Really, it IS an accomplishment. As of yet, she's the only one of us lethargic little people to do it. Fine, then! I'm just lazy; get over it!
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