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Idiot Road
All towns have a place
Where decent drivers are not safe
Where traffic law is touch and go
Where the posted limit does not bind
And half the drivers seem to blind
And the other half is stupid, whoa, whoa, whoa
Well Billy-Bob and Bobby-Sue
And little Jimmy-Jerry and Betty-Boo
All know it's dangerous to go
Down on Idiot Road
Down on Idiot Road they drive real fast
They never put their signal on when they want to pass
They cut you off as they talk on their cellphones (Down on Idiot Road)
Granny's doing thirty on the passing lane
The tailgater behind you got his bumper on your brain
Where people think that stop means go
Down on Idiot Road
The guy beside you picking his nose
Starts running you off the road
You give him a honk and he gives you the finger
So you swerve into the passing lane
But the idiot is doing the same
And your turnoff's coming up, whoa, whoa, whoa
So a three lane change you try to pull
When some guy on a bicycle
Puts his spandex butt where you need to go
Down on Idiot Road
Down on Idiot Road they drive real fast
They never put their signal on when they want to pass
They cut you off as they talk on their cellphones (Down on Idiot Road)
Granny's doing thirty on the passing lane
The tailgater behind you got his bumper on your brain
Where people think that stop means go
Down on Idiot Road
Down on Idiot Road
Down on Idiot Road
Down on Idiot Road
Jump To The Top
Boy Band
Uh, c'mon... gimme some now...
You know something, girl?
I'm thinking about you right now...
You don't wanna know what I'm thinking, girl...
...Or, or do ya?
Girl you think I'm the bomb
But I'm old enough to be dating your mom, and I did.
She wasn't that bad
But you're grounded if you tell your dad
That you like the way we dance
With rock hard abs and plastic pants
You give us teddy bears
And in return we shave our chest hair (Yeah, we're so manly)
Cuz we're singing in a boy band
The words are stupid and the music's bland
We'll never see a dime from selling out to the man
Yeah, we're a boy band
We say we met in church
But we're a product of market research (oh, we lied)
We sing about sex
To little girls who shouldn't think about sex yet
It's not like they listen (It's not like they care)
Cuz when we sweat our bodies glisten
We like the colour blue
And we're appearing in a mall near you (Right beside the food court)
Cuz we're singing in a boy band
The words are stupid and the music's bland
No one likes us here but we're big in Japan
Yeah, we're a boy band
Throw your hands up in the air
And wave'em around like you just don't care
You just don't care, you just don't care
Now bring your hands down from the air
Cuz we're singing in a boy band
The word's are stupid and the music's bland
Another pollutant in the pop wasteland
Yeah, we're a boy band
Yeah, we're a boy band
Yeah, we're a boy band
That's right, girl...
Jump To The Top
We Are The Beaver
The US is the eagle
Russia is the bear
Australia is the kangaroo
'Cause they're kinda weird down there
Yeah, India's the tiger
That stands so proud and tall
But Canada is the greatest of them all
We are the beaver
We're furry and we're free
Yeah, we are the beaver
We got two big front teeth
Yeah, we are the beaver
We can chew right through small trees
We are the beaver
We are the beaver
We are the beaver
You might think a rodent
Is a pretty lame choice
For a national animal
But don't you listen to that voice
'Cause all them
Just take from the land
But the beaver always gives a dam
We are the beaver
We got cute little webbed feet
Yeah, we are the beaver
It's bark we like to eat
Yeah, we are the beaver
The nickel we complete
Yeah, we are the beaver
We are the beaver
We are the beaver
The eagle flies the skies above and swoops down on its prey
The big bear will maul anyone who dares gets in its way
The tiger is the greatest of the hunters of today
But the beaver it can build dams
Yeah, the beaver it can build dams, dams, dams
We are the beaver
We slap our tails when danger's nearby
We are the beaver
We got waterproof hides
Yeah, we are the beaver
We got big bums and beady eyes
We are the beaver
We are the beaver
We are the beaver
We are the beaver (Nous sommes le castor)
Our name is often used as a double entendre
We are the beaver (Nous sommes le castor)
'Cause in Canada both French and English belong
Yeah, we are the beaver (Nous sommes le castor)
And the subject of this song is
We are the beaver
We are the beaver
We are the beaver (I can't hear you!)
We are the beaver
We are the beaver
We are the beaver (Are you getting the point?)
We are the beaver
We are the beaver
We are the beaver
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Baby Poo
I used to talk about politics,
Politics, politics
I used to talk about politics
But I don't anymore
I used to talk about communism,
Socialism, capitalism
I used to talk about all those isms
But now I'm a dad and all I talk about is
Baby poo, baby poo
All I talk about is baby poo
Baby poo, baby poo
All I talk about is baby poo
I used to rant about traffic problems,
Fender benders, stupid signs
I used to fear an accident
But now I stay at home and talk about
Baby poo, baby poo
All I talk about is baby poo
Baby poo, baby poo
All I talk about is baby poo
Sometimes it's all brown and gooey
Sometimes it looks like dijon mustard
Sometimes it's like melted crayons
Sometimes it just smells like poo
I used to talk about philosophy,
Kafka, Descartes, Socrates
I used to think metaphysically
But now I think the world revolves around
Baby poo, baby poo
All I talk about is baby poo
Baby poo, baby poo
All I talk about is baby poo
Sometimes it feels like stucco
Sometimes it feels like Jello pudding
Sometimes it's like avocado
Sometimes she just pees on me
I used to be real interesting,
Discussing about the issues of the day
But now I call up my MP
And tell her all about my baby poo
Baby poo, baby poo
All I talk about is baby poo
Baby poo, baby poo
All I talk about is baby poo
Baby poo, baby poo
All I talk about is baby poo
Baby poo, baby poo
All I talk about is baby poo Jump To The Top
Fuzzy Dice
I came to town in the heat
A lonely man with tired feet
Covered head to toe in perspiration
Then you caught me unware
Body so sleek I had to stare
And me a man in need of transportation
I do not know how you got
Into Hernandez' Used Car Lot
But I knew that you were coming back with me
I had to have you for my own
But shoud I lease or get a loan?
Sometimes love is not free
And I'll dress you up in fuzzy dice
A licence plate that glows and chrome exhaust pipes
I'll dress you up in fuzzy dice
And together we will ride into the night
Paid Hernandez to let you go
My lovely El Camino
Could hardly wait to get you to my place
And even though we love each other
I will put on plastic seat covers
Nowadays you cannot be too safe
I will buff you every night
And put your lugnuts on so tight
Do you love me as much as I love you
And when I drive you 'round a corner
Do you think of another owner?
Am I enough for you?
And I'll dress you up in fuzzy dice
Funny bumper stickers and tires with walls of white
I'll dress you up in fuzzy dice
And together we will ride into the night
(Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom)
Ohhhhhhhh! (Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom)
Ohhhhhhhh, I'll dress you up in fuzzy dice (Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom)
Yes, I'll dress you up in fuzzy dice (Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom)
And... and... and I know... (Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom)
and I know that you... I know that you... I know that you...
I know... you... you... you will look... (Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom)
You will look so nice
When I dress you up in fuzzy dice (Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom)
In fuzzy dice
Jump To The Top
I Ran Away
I remember back when I was still at school
These bullies always picked on me, they called me a fool
They knocked me on the ground (Ahh!)
They rubbed dog poop in my ears (Ahh!)
They kicked me (Ahh!), they punched me (Ahh!)
They said, "Come and fight you wimp" (What'd you do?)
I faked I had an injury and I ran away
I ran away, yes, I ran away,
Danger stared me in the face and I ran away
The children always laughed at me after that day
When I said I tore my ACL then I ran away
I was playing one day in my backyard
When I made the perfect snowball, round and smooth and hard,
I spotted nasty Ted Jablonski (Ahh!)
I let fly the perfect snowball (Ahh!)
It smashed the neighbour's windshield (Uh-oh!)
He came out and said, "Who the hell did that?" (What'd you do?)
I pointed at my sister and then I ran away
I ran away, yes, I ran away
Danger stared me in the face and I ran away
My sister was grounded for three years and a day
So I said she was adopted and then I ran away
I was walking with my girlfriend one night (Aww)
Two guys were sitting on a bench they pointed at her and said
She's a fat ugly tramp (Ahh!)
She smells like a peanut butter (Ahh!)
She's a loser (Ahh!), she's pedantic (Ahh - what?)
She's a mediocre soccer player
My girl said "Make them stop!" (What'd you do?)
I dumped my girlfriend on the spot and I ran away
I ran away, yes, I ran away
Danger stared me in the face and I ran away
The honour of my woman was on the line that day
So I told my girlfriend I was gay and I ran away
I was walking by myself last week (Oh, yeah)
When the devil himself appeared in front of me
He had fire all around him (Ahh!)
He smelled like a burning tire dump (Ahh!)
He opened his mouth, he pointed at me and said,
"Mike, you're next!" (What'd you do?)
I came up to the devil (Yeah!)
I poked him on the shoulder (Testify!)
I said "Look over there" and then I ran away
I ran away, yes, I ran away
Danger stared me in the face and I ran away
I'm hoping that the devil smokes two packs a day
'Cause my Day of Reckoning is here and I ran away
I ran away, yes, I ran away
Danger stared me in the face and I ran away
Whenever I was challenged I collapsed like a souffle
But I'm still alive to sing this song 'cause I ran away
Oh, yes I ran (Oh, yes he ran)
Oh, yes I ran (Oh, yes he ran)
Oh, yes I ran (Oh, yes he ran)
Oh, yes I ran (Oh, yes he ran)
I ran away!
Jump To The Top
Trichinosis
Oh my darling I sure loved that meal
Though I could still taste the pig squeal
Now I'm weak and losing focus
I think you gave me trichinosis
Trichinosis is little worms that dig
And burrow through your body after you eat raw pig
I love you hon but can't help but notice
That you gave me trichinosis
By candlelight I ate that pork
I couldn't see danger on my fork
Oh if you do love me completely
Never again feed me food that will eat me
Trichinosis is little worms that dig
And burrow through your body after you eat raw pig
I have to say that my prognosis
Is that you gave me trichinosis
Now I feel kinda strange inside
Like... like I'm an apartment building
With tenants I just can't seem to evict
They're having a party and I'm a the buffet
I love you darling but I'd by lying
If I didn't tell you this was eating me up inside
Trichinosis is little worms that dig
And burrow through your body after you eat raw pig
Love is such a painful process
Since you gave me trichinosis
Jump To The Top
Billy The Themepark Shark
I'm a shark, I'm a shark
A killer of the ocean
I'm a shark, I'm a shark
And silently I strike
I'm a shark, I'm a shark
I'm dumber than a tree
I only have three thoughts and they are
Eat, swim... eat
(He's a shark, he's a shark)
And I was swimming in the ocean
(He's a shark, he's a shark)
I got picked up by a boat
A team of lonely fishermen sold me to the city
And now my name is Billy, I'm a theme park shark
Billy the theme park shark
Performing tricks for tourists
That have paid five bucks a head
Billy the theme park shark
He looks just like a killer
But he's too well fed
The sight of blood once put me in a frenzy
Now it means that it's time to clean the pool
(He's a shark, he's a shark)
I'm swimming in a pool
(He's a shark, he's a shark)
ANd I don't have to fight for food
I get three meals a day and some extra on the weekend
And I'm the only shark I know who has a dental plan (Who has a dental plan)
Billy the theme park shark
Jumping at a football
That's suspended overhead
Billy the theme park shark
He looks just like a killer
But he's too well fed
(He's a shark, he's a shark)
But I'm not in my natural habitat
(He's fat and old and lazy)
But I'm happier here
I really hope these activists don't free Billy
Cause out there in the wild I'd be dead
Then one day just after a performance
He barfed up a flounder on the owner of the park
Billy the theme park shark
Performing tricks for tourists
Then throwing up his meal
Billy the theme park shark
Now he's been replaced by a juggling seal
Oh Billy (Billy) Billy (Billy)
The number one attraciton of an aqua petting zoo
Billy (Billy) Billy (Billy)
The poster fish of Tourism Iowa!
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Stalker Girl
When I joined a band I thought my life was pretty cool
We'd stay in hotels with room service and pools
Sign autographs for fans
Check into rehab and smash up the van
But looking back I should have stayed in school
Life out on the road can be dangerous you see
Truck stop food and smelly roadies are not nearly as scary
As that girl who's at every show
Mouthing the words from the front row
The stalker girl is scaring the hell outta me
She's my creepy stalker girl
I'm the centre of her whacked out crazy and delusional world
She follows me everywhere
She's even got a bag with some bits of my hair
Just go away you creepy stalker girl
She says I touch her in a very special way
But I'd never go near her out without my pepper spray
And the voices inside her head
Said break into my house and sleep in my bed
And they also said that shaving the cat was okay
She's my creepy stalker girl
I'm the centre of her whacked out crazy and delusional world
She follows me everywhere
She's even got a bag with some bits of my hair
Just go away you creepy stalker girl
I've analyzed her handwriting
And I've got some bad news
You're manic obsessive with abandonment issues
And you think that all our songs
Are about you and you're usually wrong
Except for now this song is so about you
You creepy stalker girl
You creepy stalker girl
You creepy stalker girl
Jump To The Top
Worst Seat On The Plane
I bought a ticket to Australia for my holiday
Figured it'd be just the thing to wash the stress away
Got my boarding pass and found out alas
That I was seated in the middle of the row
The business man beside me smelt like Old Spice and gin
The lady to my left was talking 'bout her grandchildren
Two kids behind me were screaming for their mom
She was screaming back, I wondered how come
I got the worst seat on the plane
By the time I land I'll be insane
My legs are starting to go numb
And I just want to kill someone
I got the worst seat on the plane
My bladder's full, my back's in pain
Next time I have somewhere to go
Think I'll ride my bicycle
I coudnt't go to sleep 'cause the pillow's too damn awkward
So I tried to watch the movie but it starred Kevin Costner
The earphones hurt my head and the reading light was dead
And then the pilot said turbulence is on the way
The coffee on my tray was now on my lap
The old lady beside me had a heart attack
The children screeched so loud I thought my skull would crack
The business man turned blue and threw up on my back
I got the worst seat on the plane
By the time I land I'll be insane
My legs are starting to go numb
And I just want to kill someone
I got the worst seat on the plane
My bladder's full, my back's in pain
Next time I have somewhere to go
Think I'll just rent the video
After seven hours I could take no more
So I tried to open the emergency door
But the flight attendant tackled me to the floor
She said "Go back to your seat, dear"
I said "I'd rather get off here"
I got the worst seat on the plane
I think that I am now insane
My legs are now completely numb
And I want to kill everyone
I got the worst seat on the plane
Bladder's burst, my back's in pain
Next time that I get wanderlust
I think I'll just take the bus
I got the worst seat on the plane
I got the worst seat on the plane
I got the worst seat on the plane
I got the worst seat on the plane
I got the worst seat on the plane
I got the worst seat on the plane
I got the worst seat on the plane
I got the worst seat on the plane
I got the worst seat on the plane
Jump To The Top
Really Scary
It's the most frightening thing in the world
It's the scariest sight I've ever seen
The most chilling visual, the most terrifying scene
It's awful, it's crappy, it's monstrous, it's bad
It's really, really huge
It's a fat man in a Speedo (Aaaaahh!)
I'm walking on a beach on a tropical isle
Hoping to enjoy the sand and surf
When I see a mound of baby oiled flesh rolling and broiling in the foam
The only thing that's holding this explosion of caucasian
Is at iny red synthetic coloured thread
I try to sink it in the sand and entomb it in a castle
But it always manages to break free
The fat man in a Speedo (Aaaaahh!)
I'm having nightmares
I'm scared to open my eyes
I try to free myself
By going to the buffet
But there he is
He even eats in his Speedo (Aaaaahh!)
I take up a collection at the bar next day
And everybody gives to the cause
To rent a helicopter that will take this whale to Cuba
And free the horizon from his bulk
We have a celebration in one of his indentations
And throw a bowl of Jello in the air
We think we've escaped and our scenery is clear
But in comes a plane from Germany
Thirty fat German men and they're all wearing Speedos! (Aaaaahh!)
Eins Zwei Drei Vier German German Ja!
Jump To The Top
Drink With Me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Aaarrghh!
I'm starting to see double and I just fell off my stool
I'm slurring all my words and I'm coverd in my own drool
I threw up on my girlfriend and we got in a fight
Man, oh man, what a farging great night
Well, I wake up the next morning and my head is full of pain
And I swear to God I will never drink again
But six o'clock rolls around, there's nothing on TV
So I call up all my buddies and they come drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Have a drink to your health, then go throw up on yourself
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, aaarrghh!
Well after six or seven pints I figured I was hosed
So I had another five until the bar was closed
I staggered back to my place and I cracked another crate
When I woke up at sunset I was wearing what I ate
I threw up in the bathroom, it's amazing what I saw
Peas and corns and bicycle parts and meat that still looked raw
I stumbled in the kitchen and I had myself a beer
Alcohol, alcohol, you are a friend so dear
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink for England, drink for France, drink until you pee your pants
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, aaarrghh!
Woke up at 6 p.m., I needed liquor and a friend
So I grabbed a couple bottles and a pig out of its pen
We drank a bottle of tequila playing stupid drinking games
Then wandered otu into the snow and tried to pee our names
We staggered to the bar and we ordered a pint
The waiter said he couldn't, he said "We don't serve swine"
The pig he punched the waiter, grabbed the drinks and oinked at him
"That's no way to talk to my new best friend"
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
99 bottles of beer on the wall, me and the pig will drink them all
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, aaarrghh!
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, drink with me
Don't blow all your bucks for ale, 'cause we've got compact discs for sale
Drink with me, drink with me
Drink with me, aaarrghh!
Jump To The Top
Special Bonus Track: Mrs. Catto Loves Her Budgie
Mrs. Catto gets up at eight
When she hears her budgie
She puts her glasses on her face
So she can see her budgie
She reads the horoscopes out loud
She reads them to her budgie
She puts on her favourite blouse
And she shows it to her budgie
Mrs. Catto loves her budgie
Mrs. Catto loves her budgie
Mrs. Catto loves her budgie
Very very very very much
Fa la la la da da da da da da da da
Mrs. Catto calls her mom
She talks about her budgie
She writes a letter to someone
She writes about her budgie
Mrs. Catto takes a nap
She dreams about her budgie
She puts the birdcage on her lap
And then she pets her budgie
Oh, Mrs. Catto loves her budgie
Mrs. Catto loves her budgie
Mrs. Catto loves her budgie
Very very very very much
Fa la la la da da da da da da da da
[key change] Laaaaaaaaaaa!
Mrs. Catto makes a snack
She feeds it to her budgie
She picks up the neighbour's cat
She feeds it to her budgie
Jehovah's Witnesses drop by
She feeds them to her budgie
Mr. Brown stops and says "Hi!"
And she fees him to her budgie
Mrs. Catto loves her budgie
Mrs. Catto loves her budgie
Everybody at home now
Mrs. Catto loves her budgie
Very very very very very very very very much
Fa la la la da da da da da da da da
Thank you for your time
Jump To The Top
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