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Jesus'
Brother Bob
If you haven't heard of me I wouldn't
be surprised
I bet you know my relatives, their names will never die
My mother is a Saint and my brother is a God
But all I am is Jesus' brother Bob
Chorus:
Jesus' brother Bob, Jesus' brother Bob
A nobody relative of the son of God
If only I'd been born just a little sooner
I'd be more than the brother of God Jr.
I have to pay the ferry to cross the
Galilee
But not my brother, no not him, he walks across for free
I finally get to work at a quarter after nine
Already he's turning water into wine
Chorus
One day when I was home I heard a
mighty roar
There were a thousand people right outside the door
"Help us Jesus, help us!" came the cheering
from the mob
Then they got a look at me, "Oh nuts it's only
Bob!"
Chorus
He died upon the cross, I thought that
I was free
Finally people would get to know me for me
This was my big chance to finally get ahead
The next thing you know he's rising from the dead
Chorus
Ahhhh... Bob
Jump To The Top
The Mountie Song
When I was a kid I wanted to grow up
and be a cop in a province town or county
I thought it would be great if one day I could only ever
be a Mountie
I wanted to beat up crooks and make arrests because
that's part of the profession
But now I sit on my horse and tell Americian tourists the
Parliament's in session
I really don't look good in red and my stupid hat flies
off my head in every parade
I'm young and strong and have no fear but now I'm
spending my career in motorcades
Chorus:
I wanna enforce the law, I wanna wear normal clothes
I don't wanna have to smile for a diplomat's home video
I'm good at working real hard, I should have joined the
coast guard
Oh no the RCMP is not the life for me
I used to think that a mountie had to
be honest, loyal, humble, strong and thrifty
But even though we don't break ranks we get no thanks
they took us off the fifty
On Sussex Drive in hallowed halls we act like guards in
shopping malls, it's such a pain
Like someone's plotting the assination of the Minister of
Sports and Recreation now that's insane
Sometimes I just wanna puke on Sgt. Preston of the Yukon,
Dudley Dooright's such a jerk
And though he tries with all his heart, my horse couldn't
catch a shopping cart
Somedays I hate to go to work
Chorus
(Bantering)
Chorus
Jump To The Top
Canada's Really
Big
When I look around me, I can't believe
what I see
It seems as if this country has lost its will to live
The economy is lousy, we barely have an army
But we can still stand proudly cuz Canada's really big
We're the second largest country on
this planet earth
And if Russia keeps on shrinking then soon we'll be first
(As long as we keep Quebec)
The USA has tanks and Switzerland has
banks
They can keep them thanks, they just don't amount
Cuz when you get down to it, you find out what the truth
is
It isn't what you do with it it's the size that counts
Most people will tell you that France
is pretty large
But you can put fourteen France's into this land of ours
(It'd take a whole lot of work, it'd take a whole lot of
work)
We're larger then Malaysia almost as
big as Asia
We're bigger than Australia and it's a contenent
So big we seldom bother to go see one another
Though we often go to other countries for vacations
Our mountians are very pointy, our
Prairies are not
The rest is kinda bumpy, but man do we have a lot
(We've got a lot of land, we've got a whole lot of land)
So stand up and be proud and sing out
very loud
We stand out from the crowd cuz Canada's really big
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Me Like Hockey
Me work hard 5 days a week
Sweeping garbage from the street
Come home not want book to read
Not nuff pictures for me see
Sit right down in favorite chair
Wearing only underwear
Favorite night is Saturday night
Cuz me can watch hockey fights
Me Like Hockey!
Me Like Hockey!
Me not like pro basketball
Cuz me short and they all tall
Baseball slow like Forrest Gump
'Cept when Robbie spits on ump
Wrestlemania not so great
Me like to see Hulk Hogan skate
TV soccer not that hot
You play bad then you get shot
Me Like Hockey!
Me Like Hockey!
Swedish players must be geeks
Cuz they still got own real teeth
Not like Finnish players names
What's a Teemu anyways?
Russians worst in history
Got stupid names like Valerie
Me like Sergei Federov
Me like him more if head were off
Ha ha ha!
Me Like Hockey!
Me Like Hockey!
Me Like Hockey!
We Like Hockey!
Please Mr. Linesman let the players
fight
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Please Mr. Linesman let the players fight
Let them fight
Let them fight
Let them fight, LET THEM FIGHT, LET THEM FIGHT, LET THEM
FIGHT!!
Let them!
Friends come over put game on
Argue then we lay bets down
Got bag of chips and case of Bud
Should last till end of first period
But Yankees they win the World Cup
Me think they cheat use glowing puck!
Maybe if we want to win her
Maybe we should play in winter
Me Like Hockey!
Me Like Hockey!
Me Like Hockey!
Jump To The Top
Proud To Be
Canadian
Our fair country Canada is north of the USA
Our Maritimes are lovely and our Prairies give us hay
You might think you Yankees are better than us Canucks
But we don't need no microchips inside our hocky pucks
We know that you've got Disney World
and you keep it very clean
But we don't have Bob Dole and we can drink when we're
nineteen
We may watch your TV shows for hours and hours and hours
We'll give you Alan Thicke, but Shania Twain is ours
Chorus:
We're proud to be Canadian
We're awfuly nice to strangers, our manners be our curse
It's cool in many ways to be Canadian
We won't say that we're better, it's just that we're less
worse
Your beer is not too tasty but your
weather can't be beat
We all fly south in the wintertime to escape the snow and
sleet
We're pleased to say that we've enjoyed all your southern
charms
But we get sunburnt when we exercise the right to bear
our arms
Chorus
Alanis Morissette she is our latest
pride and joy
She used to sing about high school dances and chasin'
after boys
Now she is fed up and about as angry as can be
She's got one hand in her pocket and the other's on guard
for thee
Chorus (2x)
Jump To The Top
Malcolm
Billy solves his problems by calling up
his Mom
Heather solves her problems with drugs and alcohol
Daniel solves his problems with a doctor and the law
But Malcolm's got his own way and it's better than them
all
Chorus:
Cuz Malcolm sovles his problems with a chainsaw
Malcolm sovles his problems with a chainsaw
Malcolm sovles his problems with a chainsaw
And he never has the same problem twice
Whether it's a bill or a cheque
arriving late
Rancid marble cheese or a steak that's second rate
Awful TV programs or a broken Elvis plate
Or his fiancee who dumps him because he's gaining weight
Chorus
"And he goes"
"AHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Problem solved
Jump To The Top
TV Weather Guy
My father was a lawyer Mom's at
University
My brother and my sister they both have their Ph. D.
My Grandpa was a pilot shooting Nazis from the sky
But I am the most famous I'm a TV weather guy
He smiles at the camera and tells a
little joke
He always says it's sunny when the telestrator's broke
Thinks a meteorologist knows what falls from the sky
But he's got a steady income as a TV weather guy
Some said that I'm not qualified to be
on the TV
Don't know Celcius from Fahrenheit so I just say degrees
I just read the temperature and make up a bunch of lies
And end up being right more than the guy on Channel Five
He smiles at the camera and tells a
little joke
He always says it's sunny when the telestrator's broke
Thinks clouds are made of cotton that have blown up to
the sky
But he's got a steady income as a TV weather guy
On Saturdays I must be out of bed by 6
a.m.
Put on a ton of makeup and then stare at the camera lens
Greeting all the viewers with a "Hi Hi Hip
Hello"
Cuz it's the day I have to host a kiddie cartoon show
He smiles at the camera then to his
puppet sock
He raves about the crayon drawings of the family dog
Did a promo at the shopping mall and made the children
cry
He's a lousy clown but a good TV weather guy
They said that I'm not cute enough to
be an anchor man
Not tough enough for sports and for the arts I was too
bland
But I know that someday I will reach my TV goal
When I guest star on Baywatch or 90210
He smiles at the camera and tells a
little joke
He always says it's sunny when the telestrator's broke
Wonders why big storms are always named for other guys
But he's got a steady income as a TV weather guy
he's got a steady income as a TV weather guy...
Jump To The Top
The Ballad of Dan
I'm out on the range surveying the land
Thinking of the job that's to be done
My life is hard but I don't mind
Men like me -- that's how the West was won
I stand the pain and the suffering
For on the trail I am the king
On doors I knock and on bells I ring
Always sure that I will get the sale
Chorus:
For I am Dan the insurance salesman
In a beat-up Chevrolet I drive
I rope them in and tie them up and bind them legally
For on the dotted line I make them sign
Well, the door swings wide I sense my
prey
Ready to fall victim to my pitch
I tell him all about the plan
With all of its inherent benefits
If you lose an arm it's a thousand bucks
Lose both of them and get twice as much
And if you should die well then bless your luck
You'll just be raking in the cash
Chorus
The sucker signs, the deed is done
Time for me to get back on the road
A lonely man out on the land
Out where the wind can blow so cold
I ride into the setting sun
With the knowledge of a job well-done
But I can't rest until everyone
Has become properly insured
Chorus
Jump To The Top
Carfull of Pain
I bought me an auto an '81 Ford Escort
wagon
Now the fan it be broke and the tailpipe it be draggin'
I feel like a shlemeel my mechanic's fit for hangin'
I've got to go to rust check 'bout the price I'll be
hagglin'
I can't drive it home cuz the muffler it be saggin'
Got a carfull of pain
Satan's in my engine Beelzebub's in my
trunk
Mephistopheles at the wheel because I'm too gosh darn
drunk
Baal's my passenger and Lucifer's beside him
I've got demons in the coolant I've got bat's in the
transmission
This Escort needs an exorcism Pan is to blame
Got a carfull of pain
I put a tiger in my tank I let a champ
spark my gas
Now all I got's a demon in the hood a pain in the ass
I think the seats are broken
Please, please, mister, take your
blessed wrench
Cast out this demon hoard and replace that brimstone
stench
With the smell of gasoline a heavenly muffled roar
I'll worship you oh Speedy Man -- Mr. Goodwrench even
more
Let it run let it run Oh God let it run
And now it purrs just like a kitten it
roars just like a lion
It looks just like a temple golden carved by the Myans
Here comes the mechanic oh gosh, how much?
400 bucks you piece of slime you smell and you suck!
Your father was a jackal your Mom's his sister *aHEM!*
I've got a carfull of pain
Jump To The Top
Mounted
Animal Nature Trail
On the Mounted Animal Nature Trail,
you'll be sure to see
All Mother Nature's favorite pets all sitting rigidly
They're never hungry anymore their last meal left them
stuffed
Don't worry they won't walk away if you try to pet their
fluff
Chorus:
Where the dog goes:
And the cow goes:
And the bear goes:
And the pig goes:
And the crow goes: CAW!
I guess it was alive.
You can see all this on the Mounted Animal Nature Trail
The Mounted Animal Nature Trail, it's
great for Mom and Dad
Where else could Grandma and the kids see the silence of
the lambs?
Don't have to walk a hundred miles or climb the steepest
hill
And the only fearsome sound you'll hear is the ringing of
the till
Chorus
The only things that bite are the bugs
And unlike other theme parks the mice won't say
"hello"
And if you're having trouble with you own family pet
You can bring him in and add him to the trail
Chorus
Jump To The Top
Carrot Juice
is Murder
Listen up brothers and sisters, come
hear my desperate tale
I speak of our friends of nature, trapped in the dirt
like a jail
Vegtables live in oppression, served on our tables each
night
This killing of veggies is madness, I say we take up the
fight
Salads are only for murderers, coleslaw's a fascist
regime
Don't think that they don't feelings, just cuz a radish
can't scream
Chorus:
I've heard the screams of the vegtables
Watching their skins being peeled
Grated and steamed with no mercy
How do you think that feels
Carrot juice constitutes murder
Greenhouses prisons for slaves
It's time to stop all this gardening
Lets call a spade a spade
I saw a man eating celery, so I beat
him black and blue
If he every touches a sprout again, I'll bite him clean
in two
I'm a political prisoner trapped in a windowless cage
Cuz I stopped the slaughter of turnips by killing five
men in a rage
I told the judge when he sentenced me, this is my finest
hour
I'd kill those farmers again just to save one more
cauliflower
Chorus
How low as people do we dare to stoop
Making young broccoli's bleed in the soup
Untie your beans, uncage your tomatoes, let potted plants
free
Don't mash that potato
Chorus
Jump To The Top
The Last
Saskatchewan Pirate
I used to be a farmer and I made a
living fine
I had a little stretch of land along the C.P. line
But times were hard, and though I tried, the money wasn't
there
And bankers came and took my land and told me fair is
fair
I looked for every kind of job the answer always no
"Hire you now" they'd always laugh. "We
just let twenty go"
The government they promised me a measly little sum
But I've got too much pride to end up just another bum
Then I thought who gives a damn if all the jobs are gone
I'm gonna be a pirate on the river Saskatchewan
Chorus:
And it's a heave ho, high ho, coming down the plains
Stealing wheat and barley and all the other grains
And it's a ho hey, high hey, farmers bar your doors
When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina's mighty shores
Well you'd think the local farmers
would think that I'm at large
But just the other day I sank an unprotected barge
I snuck up right behind them and they were none the wiser
I rammed their ship and sank it and stole their
fertilizer
A bridge outside of Moosejaw spans a mighty river
Farmers cross in so much fear their stomachs are a-quiver
Cuz they know that Tractor Jack is waiting in the bay
I'll jump the bridge and knock them cold and sail off
with their hay
Chorus
Well Mountie Bob, he chased me, he was
always at my throat
He'd follow on the shoreline cuz he didn't own a boat
But cutbacks were a coming and the Mountie lost his job
So now he's sailing with me and we call him Salty Bob
A swinging sword, a skull and bones and pleasant company
I never pay my income tax and screw the G.S.T. (SCREW
IT!)
Prince Albert down to Saskatoon, the terror of the sea
If you want to reach the Co-op, boy, you gotta get by me
Chorus
Well, pirate life's appealing but you
won't just find it here
I hear that in Alberta there's a band of buccaneers
They roam the Athabasca, from Smith to Fort Mackay
And you're bound to lose your Stetson if you have to pass
their way
Winter is a coming and a chill is in the breeze
My pirate days are over once the river starts to freeze
I'll be back in springtime but now I have to go
I hear there's lots of plundering down in New Mexico
Chorus
Chorus
Jump To The Top
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