Billy and his family went on a holiday
They went down to Florida to laugh and dance and play
Bill went in for a swim he didn't see the harm
But when he came back out again he was short an arm

Chorus:

Cause Rippy the Gator went chomp, chomp, chomp
Rippy the Gator went chomp, chomp, chomp
Passing the time by ending children's lives
Down in the bottom of the swamp, swamp, swamp

Billy and his father went out to play some catch
But Billy missed the pass because his arm was unattached
The ball flew past his shoulder and it rolled into the swamp
When he came back out again his leg became a stump

Chorus

Billy and his father joined a three-legged race
They were tearing up the feild no one could keep the pace
But Billy tripped and did a flip and landed in the muck
He was running out of limbs and also out of luck

Chorus

Billy was all dirty and really had to wash
But couldn't use a towel 'cause his limbs had been knawed off
He went into the water to get all clean and bright
But when his bath was finished he was only half his height

Chorus

Billy's father rolled his weelchair up upon a hill
He wanted to put Bill where he would not get killed
But he left him on a slope and into the swamp he rolled
They dragged out his head but there was nothing left below

Chorus

I used to go to all the parties
And make love to all the beautiful ladies
And I'd eat cheeseburgers with bacon and extra grease when I was hungry
And drink Windex coladas until my skin turmed blue
But now the times they are changing
My lifestyle, it is rearranging
For debauchery may be fun and entertaining
But it is also very bad for you

Do you know how many diseases you can get
Making love to someone who has not had all their tests
So now a days, I am celibate
And I wear a condom, in case I have dirty thoughts

I never drive my car past the speed limit
And I always wear my seatbelt when I am in it
I traded my Lamborghini for a Honda Civic
Because it is more fuel efficient and practical

Chorus:

I yi yi
I yi yo
Being boring is the way to go
I yi yi
I yi yo
Having fun is bad for you

I can no longer smoke my cigarettes
Because I found that they are a major cause of death
The tar and nicotine have not killed me yet
But if I got pregnant it could hurt my baby

I used to love my sporty complexion
I'd tan myself to perfection
But the sun can give you a cancerous infection
So now I am white and pasty, and I never leave the house

I used to eat like there was no tomorrow
But then I found cholesterol is full of sorrow
The last thing I want to do is to have to borrow
Somebody else's heart because mine is full of bad deposits

Chorus

It's early in the morning, way before dawn
I down a cup of coffee put my lucky hat on
Get down to the water, before all the crowds
Gonna have more fun than the law allows

With my hot rod, I go out to peruse
When I'm on the prowl, I never lose
I fired my merc and put the throttle down
'Cause I've got the fastest fishing boat in town

I open up my tackle box, it's so big
Crank bait, stick, bait, beer and jigs
Got my bobbers on and my ten pound test
Gonna catch me a lunker gonna be the best

Chorus:

Gonna go fishing
Gonna have some fun
Gonna go fishing
Cuz it's number one
Gonna go fishing
Gonna sit on my butt
Gonna catch a fish
And scrape out it's guts
Ahhh... fishing

I fish on the lake by the sunken tree stump
Between the sewage output and the chemical dump
"Don't swim in the lake" says a sign on the tree
It's a good thing that fish can't read

I got my ten dollar lure, the one that floats
And I make a big cast from my twenty-grand boat
With my thousand dollar rod, or maybe it's more
Gonna catch me a fish that's five bucks at the store

Chorus

I feel something tugging on the end of my line
I'm going to catch a fish it's going to be so fine
Oh, it feels so good to touch fish slime
There's nothing else to do with my free time

Ahh, Ahh, Ahh, Ahh

Let's catch a fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish
Eat a fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish
Swallow a fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish
Digest a fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish
Out comes the fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish
It was a fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish

Chorus

Fish, fish, fishing C-A-N-A-D-A

I never much believed in reincarnation
Thought it was only people's imagination
But now I'm forced into some reconsideration
Cuz something's happened to my cat, that deserves an explanation

William Shakespeare's in my cat my kitty is the Bard
He used to be a playwright now he's diggin' up the yard
He's still a cat in most respect he likes to meow and purr
But now I introduce him as the cat who wrote Richard the Third

I took him to see Phantom
He said it was quite nice
But he can't go see Miss Saigon
Until he kills some mice

William Shakespeare's in my cat it sometimes seems so deep
The guy who wrote Twelfth Night chews on my socks while I'm asleep
I.m really quite impressed I own the cat who wrote Macbeth
But if something's rotten in the state it's just his fishy breath

Chorus:

He wrote Romeo and Juliet
But his greatest story yet
Is comming back as someone's pet
And getting neutered by the vet
And got his paws caught in a net
Then he said "To be or not to be"

William Shakespeare's in my cat he really ever talks
He makes his loudest statements standing in the litterbox
He sleeps upon my shelves and throws my books about the house
It doesn't sound like prose when he bats his squeaky mouse

Sam Beckett's play's are witty
Same thing for Bernard Shaw,
Oscar Wilde is pretty
But none of them have paws

William Shakespeare's in my cat he chases bits of fluff
John Milton's in my goldfish but I never liked his stuff
I'm thinking that Franz Capra really came back as a bug
And I hope Andrew Lloyd Webber will stay underneath my rug

Chorus

"Take it Trevor!"

Chorus

"Umm, so this is a song about Newfoundland, and we wrote it about the place names, and all you have to know is that all of these place names in this song are real place names, that we found in an atlas... cuz we can read. Yeah! We can read! Literacy!"

Oh Newfoundland, oh Newfoundland, the island in the sea
I love you all so very much, I joined the ministry
To show you people 'round the Rock when tourist season's here
Although in my opinion it's a gem throughout the year

If you're one for swimming, don't think it's out of reach
You can go and take a dip along Grossewater Beach
I know the name's misleading, that's quite a problem here
Instead lets go to Gooby's and have ourselves a beer

Chorus:

From Woody Point to Comebichance to good old Ferryland
Come take a look at Gander and Blackhead's mighty grand
Don't let the names deceive you in a town that's mighty fine
So spend a night in Dildo if you think you've got the time

Well you can go to Blowmedown before it gets too dark
Oh, sorry ma'am, I should have said, that's our provincial park
There's also Wophen Harbour, or maybe Butterpot
Or mabye I'll just hit the pub, I'm feeling like a shot

Well you can sail a Kittybitty and look at Joe Batt's Arm
There's Placentia and there's Cowhead, they're so full of charm
Get married down in Killbride, have a party in Hate Bay
Or have some screech an' Pogo and forget about the day

When you hear that I'm a cowboy
And I work the cattle trail
You probably assume I'm big and tough
But the trail's worn me down
I don't want to hang around
I've just about had enough

Ya see a like a nice cup of Espresso
And I like to read my People magazine
I co-ordinate my chaps
And everybody laughs
And say they don't like that shade of green

Well I try to eat a healthy balanced diet
But they all eat their brown beans from the can< br> And they all have to smoke, about six packs a day
You'd think they was the Marlboro Man

The Lord above
sent His only son
To spread the word of God to everyone
Jesus cured the lepers
And He healed the lame
But He left the bald men with their pain

Oh mighty Lord
I lost what I had
I've suffered the fate
Of my old dad
I looked in the hills, the valleys and everywhere
But I can't see why you took my hair

Chorus

I'm losing my hair (losin' my hair)
I'm losing my hair (losin' my hair)
What was on my head (Above us all)
Is no longer there (losin' my hair)
When you see the light
It's my forehead's glare
Oh, don't you care (Hey, you up there)
That I'm losing my hair (Yeah, yeah)

I tried to pray
And I tried to grieve
I tried the wig
And I tried the weave
I tried the transplant
And I tried the graft
But my hair
Is thinning fast

Oh my good Lord, why'd you'd take my hair?
Are you making a carpet for heaven's stairs
To warm the feet of the chosen souls?
But in the meantime, my head's getting cold

Chorus

We are your children, and we are blessed
But most of my hair, is now on my chest
In your own wisdom, you took it off my head
Well couldn't you just strike me blind instead?

Oh Lord above, on judgement day
Will you forgive me for my toupee?
And when I march through the gates of pearl
Can I have hair in your afterworld?

Chorus

(Church sermon)

Oh mighty lord, upon your throne
I've gotta know, do you use a comb?
Is your hair wavy, or is it blonde,
Is it curly, or is it gone!

Is to be bald to be devine?
Cuz all the monks, have heads that shine
If that's your way, then I don't care
I'll sell my soul to get more hair

Chorus

Every rock band has this guy
Not many people really know why
He's got a cellphone and a backstage pass
He's got a big gutt and a big fat ass

Chorus:
He's a big fat road manager
Big fat road manager
Big fat road manager
Big fat road manager

He plugs in guitars and microphone jacks
He makes sure the system won't feedback
He yells "Check One" 'till his face turns blue
Don't you wish he could count to two?

Chorus

The contract says there's beer for free
Big fat road manager
A bottle for you and a case for me
Big fat road manager
I'll make sure you've a place to stay
Big fat road manager
Then I'll eat your deli tray

Chorus

You may wonder why the road manager's so wide
He's the one who blocks the door when the tax collector comes by

The tour's on the road he spends his day
Big fat road manager
At an all you can eat buffet
Big fat road manager
But if he can come to terms
Big fat road manager
He will manage the Arrogant Worms

Chorus

Big fat road manager
Big fat road manager

"Is this thing on?"