sometimes jersey sits there staring at me from my third floor building.
the fireworks struck the tree next to the heart on my sleeve,
she said drury inns feel comfortable on sunday mornings. -- more to follow.

4/30/02 @ 11:28PM monk;Scribble

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i can't feel my body today. it is most definitely a lack of food, lack of decent sleep, and the end of the world as rem knows it.

winter only comes once a year in vermont
i saw the look in your eyes the moment i told you i was dying.
you seemed taken aback by my eagerness at understanding.
i never saw your knees give out the way they did that day
i told you it would be ok.

you said that we would never see the summer again.
i always thought winter seemed more special than you felt.
i told you not to worry about the frostbite and just play
in the snow one last time.

winter only comes once a year in vermont.
i only wish i could have spent it with you.

------

i'm dreadfully lazy.

4/30/02 @ 1:42PM monk;Scribble

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just another manic monday
i'm having trouble sleeping. i have not slept today. i slept all day yesterday. it's a sign that something is not right chemically. i think i have a sleep disorder. oh wait, did i just say that. no, i definitely have a sleep disorder. anyone that cannot go to sleep regardless of how dead tired they are, and then when they finally do sleep an eternity away must have a disorder.

i'll file that one with the once in a blue moon random mood swing to depression, and the ever-great and always used now, i used to get destroyed when i was younger by my folks.

but on a much happier note, apparently i do write good poetry. i'm still circumspect to that ideal, but i'm starting to believe in myself more and more as people that have good minds are starting to tell me that it's worthwhile stuff. if only i was in those type of areas, then i wouldn't have this shun people complex.

speaking of complexes, which my "shun people" complex is nothing major. it's more like, i see someone i would really like to talk to, to either be friends with, or possibly develop further, and my brain refuses to communicate with my mouth, and then my feet don't work, and i'm left not saying anything. AND before i hear the words, just do it, don't let life drift you away. I am intelligent. I do know this. I just can't function that way. I've tried. I've tried as hard as a human being possibly could, and it has not happened. Maybe that's a complex.

how complex is this entry. sheesh. anyways, happy thoughts. i'm glad people read my thoughts. If the HIVES ever come to your town see them. They are great live.

4/29/02 @ 7:25AM monk;Scribble

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this is the ever sprawling saturday evening update, due to the increasing nature of me producing things on this site for others to read, and the ever increasing nature of being asked if there has been one or more words added lately.

i'm finding it increasingly difficult to comprehend why a town like st. louis is devoid of intelligence and devoid of girls i would find attractive. i'm also finding it hard to believe that apparently the only cities that are attracting me daily happen to exist in oregon, maryland, or ohio, and contain intelligent girls, smart girls, hip girls, girls that look appeasing to my eye, clothed or unclothed, and people that could probably very easily toss a pancake in my face in the morning and make me smile.

this is my inner journal today folks, that's right, no fun and games, all feelings, thank you for tuning in, channel 23 right down the expressway with no commercials and none of that pop. anyways, i just hope things change, someone in this town has to have the ability to put words together in beautiful manners.

give me the woods, give me the sky, nevermind, i sound very emo. i'd rather have a good book, a good movie, a good blanket, a good person to give a backrub to. how simplistic do you want me to be? i can obviously achieve it and more with the great ability of being completely and utterly patient beyond belief to boot.

-------

to those that read, i'm sorry.

i never knew dancing was such a heartache,
i never knew you could smile like that before dinner,
but with a week left until summertime steals your heart
i know i'll never see that glimpse of you through the store windows again,
and you'll be heading out like the letters "the end" on my book.

be alarmed, i always write for the first few weeks,
and then my stamps run out like your glance.

4/27/02 @ 10:23PM monk;Scribble

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friday friday, tgif or something to that effect. i have a nice weekend of doing nothing but grabbing entire band libraries. i plan on getting every 7 inch, ep, demo, and lp from at least 3 bands this weekend, it's an obsession.

i've realized lately that by doing nothing for more than 2 days and just working and working, and then going home and reading my mail, writing in here, and downloading music, i am productive in the most non-productive fashion. i wonder if the president was like this. he could not deal with the mass-murder, the mayhem, the destruction, this country has caused and other countries have caused, and instead play some global-thermo-nuclear war against a computer. (ie wargames).

here's a poem for all you ladies.

east of the middle
while your making your pretty speeches,
i'm staring at the lazy winds,
your stealing my supper with your words
and i'm too tired to ask.

i'm watching blood stained sky from the far east,
your telling me to stare at the western ocean instead.
i'm only eating salad these days in protest,
and your telling me how delicious your steak is.

i've seen too many people disappear in the night
fireworks in the sky in autumn color
moving parts on moving parts covering rubble
that was never there the night before.

you hope i improve my feelings
before summer reaches our door,
i'd rather stay inside and remember those
that can't remember themselves,
because they decided to get coffee that day,
they happened to be learning algebra in school,
they just wanted to fly from point a to point b,
and they will miss out on park swings and ice cream stands,
because no one here ever wanted to know.

4/26/02 @ 03:19PM monk;Scribble

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there's a new link, it's called the ever-lasting insanity slicer and dicer 3000 v1.4 and breakbeat fantasy coconut love. ok, in reality, it's more like my friend joyce's website. she's nifty in all those little ways, and has been a friend for oh like 10 years now or so, wow. just realized how long i've known her and only seen her once, god bless my last job. one of the best two hours of my life last year.

other than that, nothing new on my front, other than grabbing way too much music to not listen to, because i can't possibly have that many hours in the day. needing to go out and meet some girls just to have intelligent conversation, sorry boys, but they beat you on that level. anyways, back to work.

4/25/02 @ 04:38PM monk;Scribble

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you swallow the world in a second. she screams at the lightposts. i see girls standing on wet cement. did you ever really wonder if i saw the moon through frozen leaves?

sometimes words just happen to take your life and twist it into pretzel shapes, that even the president wouldn't like to swallow. sometimes we take for granted those cups of coffee that just seemed to taste oh so good, when the desert has swallowed the only piece of bread that could have fed a country.

anyways, enough of the randomness, i'm tired of that poetic yearning that makes me throw two words that don't belong into a single phrase and assault you with the imagery behind. (ie. v neck sweater legs), and that would be all i care to write today other than the paragraph below and the poems scrapped from underneath a gumdrop stew.

here are a few of my nick-nacks that i've written in the past several months. let me know if they excite, entrance, exhilirate you in any way.

untitled

the devil wears red lipstick
has tattoos and bruises.

she comes out past midnight
checking meters for the city.

the devil has a pierced tongue
and a dress laced with holes.

she's asking you for money
for an hour of whatever you want.

-------

figurine.

remember the dining room
when you took me and then my silver.

remember the apologies you stole
from my mouth but not my heart.

remember waking up in cold sweat
shivering because the covers touched you
the wrong way.

of course not, why would you care?

you took my lungs away from the only air
i felt safe enough to breathe,
and stole my shadow right off the wall
as it was protecting me.

everything tastes dirty now.
everything seems taken.

i still have my figurine.
broad wings stroking the air around them.
faded green clothing painted to the curves of metal.
jeweled eyes whispering to me all of the world's they've seen.

didn't we all used to be magical once?

-------

gradual

i heard the rustle of covers, shifting the twilight
from my face.

i felt the touch of skin on skin, and the attention
of hairs.

i pretended to be still, so still, while you wrapped
your arm around my body, pressing into my back.

i felt the cold air escape my feet as you entertwined
your legs around me, locking them in place.

you started to whisper how much you loved me and your
glad that we were together, and how wonderful it was
that tonight was like this, and all those other things
you never really meant and never felt bold enough to say
to my face.

fitting that as you lay behind me, you lie to me.

i could have sat up and slapped you. yelled into your ear.
frightened your manhood with my honesty.

but i laid still, covered in your body. warm.

sometimes comfort is worth more than sensibility.

4/24/02 @ 08:07PM monk;Scribble

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i am so dead tired. i am having dreams way too much lately, caused by massive amounts of sleeping at the wrong times and the ability not to sleep when i feel dead tired. sleeping disorders are so much fun in the new year.

i'm noticing people actually reading this a bit more lately. it's interesting that i guess i actually have the ability to hold interest for more than a mere second at the time, although I think it is more like the fact that chloe sevigny in the title picture is just so sexy than my words.

anyways, working today, for quite a while. i'll try to get some more entertainment up for you in the next few days, either lyrics, activism, or maybe a poem, since i have been slacking a little too much lately.

4/24/02 @ 03:27PM monk;Scribble

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whew!!!!!!!!!!!!! the weekend is over, thank god. What a wild wacky, scandalous, devious, dubious weekend it was. Well not really. I did go see Mr. Perry Farrell as DJ Peretz at Velvet, and I was super impressed, Mr. "Jane's Addiction" can actually spin some good electronica. Also, went and saw Kids in the Hall at the Pageant, and that was same damn damn good improv canadian comedy done live.

all in all pretty fun. still single, and just reading some good books. Also getting ready to tape the Cirque de Solei tonight to view at a later time. Also, I'll probably be buying Streetcar named Desire to watch this weekend.

i'm tired of justifying my actions with a microscope and appearing the way others feel i should. I'm tired of hearing about how great of a person I am, only to be alone at the end of the night. I feel like a space has developed between me and everyone else, a space I don't want, and don't need.

sometimes, the music is more comforting than the pillow.

4/22/02 @ 03:39PM monk;Scribble

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sometimes my words come up jumbled from a big bag, and i'm missing vowels it seems. lately, i've been thinking what is it like to be in a relationship, to have that pillow next to you with a head placed on it, while one of those really chill movies is playing on the television screen.

i wonder if everyone thinks the way i do.

ps. she acts gullible at times, but i know she is extraordinarily smart, and can understand white tank tops with linus make a very attractive girl look more attractive even before the words and stories leave her mouth and capture your attention fully.

4/18/02 @ 04:40AM monk;Scribble

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she was pretty. i remember that. i only wish i could talk to her more and not be so boring.

4/18/02 @ 04:25AM monk;Scribble

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today is a boring day, so i thought i'd entice you by showing you what some of my favorites are that are on my right side.

in these times - a website that is full of independent news and views.
amnesty - amnesty international, a site that is devoted to maintaining human rights around the world.
the nation - the nation is a magazine that is devoted to promoting independent views about politics and wrongs/rights in this world.

4/17/02 @ 11:45PM monk;Scribble

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just about ready to get off of work. had a random voice mail left for me, from a girl. she never announced her name though, so i'm still left with question marks floating through my head as to who it is. i have the # to call, so i guess i will call and find out since no name was left.

i have my notions as to the perpetrator of the crime, but i cannot verify the authenticity until after i press send. anyways, back to work, back to another 1 or so of stress, and then magically i get to get in my car and jam to the epoxies.

4/16/02 @ 10:54PM monk;Scribble

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almost late to work. had to call in and give myself a tardy, and then i manage to get in 1 minute late, and had to tell them i actually was on time.

got an email from a friend of mine nicole, who i hadn't spoken to in a long long time. last time i spoke to her i was a bit harsh on the tele-phono. luckily she forgives me. she's in the army reserves which is kind of funny because i am such an activist or starting to be. But, i think after we converse about things she'll understand my point of view and i know she's not a murdering person like a lot of people think Army folks are. She's a nice girl who is doing things for her life that a lot of people wish they could.

supposed to call her, supposed to possibly hang out with her. She really was a rad chick, and i wish i could get to know her more, maybe use some suave approach to mesmorize her. alas, i'll probably just be friends with her and we'll have a great time, which will work out for me in the end. that's all for today, real life, real stories, and really real.

4/16/02 @ 5:06PM monk;Scribble

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what a crazy weekend. where do i begin with the insanity, the nonsense, the truly immaculate aboriginal foo pah?

saturday, went to delmar lounge, enjoyed a multitude of guiness, enjoyed some good conversation, some truly outstanding scenery, and had rain fall on me. it was a pleasant day all considered.

sunday, went to the loop, and people-watched, enjoyed some good kiwi strawberry iced tea, and then went to see a movie entitled "y tu mama tambien", a very weird independent foreign flick that was funny at times and demeaning at times, but the one thing it did not lack was realism in parts. afterwards, went to delmar, and once again enjoyed some pints of guiness before i faded into sleep with a headache. all in all, not a bad day. could have wished for more.

4/15/02 @ 3:39PM monk;Scribble

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it's friday. yay! the weekend is here, i have to not work. lovely. it's like discovering a useful christmas present a week before, and being able to use it. i'll probably update later, or maybe not. i'm too tired and bored to come up with something worthwhile or truly bizarre, so check out some of my links.

4/12/02 @ 9:54PM monk;Scribble

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(updated 7:45pm)
enough about the political climate. i was just sitting at work and realized i haven't talked about anything too non-important lately, so here comes the insanity of the daily adventures of randy.

i realized that besides going to see "y tu mama tambien" this weekend, which is a splendid movie. whew. that i really need to work on possibly talking to girls, so that they can discover truly the intelligence i contain. ok, so that seems very ego driven, but in reality, i just would like the ability for words to come out of my mouth, so i might have a chance with a girl that would actually like a nice guy. sometimes, it appears harder than it seems.

maybe this weekend, i can succeed. Otherwise, i'll just have fun like normal and not worry about it.

(updated 6:32pm)
very very interesting. just noticed this on the AP site. Amazing how every other country finally allows a war crimes court to be enacted to stop violence and mass murder, and yet the US still feels the need to deny support for such a matter.

read the link @United Nations International Court

(at 4:36pm)
wednesday. wednesday. oops. it's thursday. coming soon. beware of the ignorance in this country. beware of the "turn your head" concept of this country. be prepared to read about various terrorists supported or have been supported by america and atrocities done by america.

btw, i am pro-american. i love america. it is a great country. now, whether i agree with the politics of this country is a different matter. why kill thousands, when you can peacefully resolve an issue?

read on.....

General Sani Abacha - President of Nigeria
General Sani Abacha is the dictator of oil-rich Nigeria. Abacha has been in charge through fraudulent elections which guarantee his continued control. During elections in 1994, Chief Moshood Abiola, considered to be the winner, was arrested and placed in prison before the results were announced; Abacha remained in power.

More than 100 government executions occurred in 1994, and numerous pro-democracy demonstrators were killed by police. Shell Oil provides most of the country's wealth by extracting oil from the Organiland region, while in the process causing severe environmental destruction and devastating the local economy. More than 700 Orgoni environmentalists protesting the destruction of their way of life, were executed in recent years. The greatest travesty occurred in November 1995, when environmental leader Ken Saro-Wiwa and 8 associates, were hanged despite an international outcry. Shell supported Abacha's policies by its silence. Despite an outcry that Nigerian oil be boycotted, the US government refused to do so.

4/11/02 @ 4:36PM monk;Scribble

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it's just another one of those half-two step days. show up late for work. call in for work to not show up. not be allowed to. luckily i'm here. luckily i have a job.

i wonder if my sleeping habits will change from lack thereof to just enough. hmmmm... that's very much like a girl situation in st. louis. wow. amazingingly.

and for all the ladies, just enough does not imply, i should have 30+. it implies i just would like one. one nice girl. one nice movie. one nice hug. i'm so simple sometimes.

4/09/02 @ 4:12PM monk;Scribble

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whew. a lot of work. a lot of work. well, almost. i now have fully incorporated the entire catalog of weakerthan lyrics with nice push-pop back/forward links, and selections for each album, so you don't have to read a ton on one page. thank you. thank you.

look for more to come soon.

in other news, the outstanding world of sleep deprivation has come and overtaken me in this dreary monday of working. "better to be indoors than outdoors" was heard loud during the multiple head nods and eye movements that registered slower than a snail.

i'd say news at 11, but i'll still be here, so when your snuggled up in your blankie and enjoying some of that good drink, remember that i'm either passed out in a chair, fixing dsl connections, or updating this site. enjoy!

4/08/02 @ 7:31PM monk;Scribble

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i'm showcasing a new site possibly with new features, or the lack of new features. but, never fear, on the left side in the span of a few days or weeks, i should have lyrics for bands that matter, beside the random thoughts in this digest.

anyways, it's a saturday night, and i'm working. i received a lesson in bartering today. it was called, being late for 30 minutes turns into a tardy, but if you work 30 minutes of mandatory overtime, that tardy becomes null.

so after work, i plan on possibly drinking or sleeping or going out and being crazy, not sure yet, but the chances of one of the above are great.

set your clocks forward.

4/06/02 @ 11:03PM monk;Scribble

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I see stumbling acrobats drifting from trapeze to trapeze, teetering on the brink of destruction, pastel colours swirling through the air, tossed like juggernauts into the sky. i feel like i'm on a helicopter, parachuting down into jagged stone, cracks and crevices lit internally at random intervals, by letterheads and filing cabinets. drifting down past the binoculars spying on the ants marching below, down past the smoke filled sky where i might have hit a window before that fateful day in september, down into that buzzing sound as the drones race through the city in search of honey.

i remember the parading clowns dressed in blues and reds as they rushed to the big meeting, trying to juggle crying babies in mass hysteria. i remember the televisions showing flight simulators, diagrams, maps, and graphs, with architects already designing a new space, new place, bigger than the last, with no smoking signs installed on each floor, fire exits clearly marked, and no game of dominoes allowed ever again.

i remember the underground subway railway station, beneath all the rubble, littered with half-filled cups of coffee, business journals, and footprints, those lovely tomfoolery posters from off-broadway productions looking pretty peculiar with portions of spray-painted concrete glimpsing through, that guitar in the same position it's always been in, cradled in arms, with soft music drifting out from it's belly, and the accompaniment of percussion as change hits the case.

i remember the crying little girls searching for tall people, much like the battered rags searching for a new canopy, or the city of new york in search of their tall buildings.

where were you at when that moment froze the tv? sleeping comfortably in an over-sized bed with oversized animals lending their fur to your face as you slept with the grace of remembering the night before, parked under the stars, in his car, with the roof just happening to be missing like a twister had stolen it away.

were you finding the pennies to afford that morning energy, for when you are slaving away at a desk all day, dreaming of finding a little bit of sand in your shoe?

after the dust clears from the middle east warfare, after the last black and white video flash escapes the evening news, after the microphones and press badges have left behind bread for their overpriced meals,

what kind of animal is going to remain in a crater the size of that former country with the sickle and chain, what kind of person is going to learn in a classroom about the streets of gold paved with blood from a race now regulated to a lot the size of a backyard in manhattan?

i saw three rings enclosed in a military tent, with a ringleader that could bend into a pretzel shape, it was a tribute show for all those had suffered, forgotten were the south africans murdered, forgotten were those working for free, to make this land become the land of greed,

so those two towers of american decadence, have disappeared from the smog filled sky, and those people with their massive weapons, feel they have a reason to wave them high, well, forget the NRA with their forgotten actor, and no one cares about the networks with their boring chatter, forget the corporations that spit on the people, forget the dumb elephant that does what it wants to, we came to this country through womb, boat, or chains, and i declare it's about time to leave, it's a shame we lost over a hundred floors, over a thousand lives, and a million memories, but we've removed just as many.

4/06/02 @ 4:22PM monk;Scribble

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